By Nurse Ratchett

JANUARY 5, 1998:  As is often the case, this installment of my semiregular column began as a joke. Special thanks to the two co-workers who made it all possible. The story goes something like this: In the process of opening the daily mail one fine Thursday, the unsuspecting Nurse Ratchett opened a press release from one Dr. Joel Kaplan touting the latest technology available for use in enlarging the penis and nipples. For now, we'll focus on the penis--the whole nipple thing is a little weird, don't you think? Just picture a guy ... well, never mind.

First things first (get ready, guys): The length of the average human penis (in its flaccid state) is 9 centimeters, roughly 3 1/2 inches. Now I'm not going to get all religious with that "If God had intended ... " crap, but I will go so far as to say that the average human penis is that long for a reason. The first one that comes to mind is the fact that the depth of the average human vaginal cavity is 7 centimeters, roughly 2 3/4 inches.

Still, penis envy runs rampant in every locker room in the world, as if having a huge tool is a sign of masculinity, sexual prowess or any number of other traits. Fact is, in most cases, the length of the penis of a normal male has little bearing on any of the above. But, just as there will always be those who envy a massive member, there will always be those who claim they can make yours bigger. To that end, the vacuum pump, originally created as a masturbation machine for men, has evolved into "the latest technology" in penis enlargement. Once reserved for the back pages of porn mags, though, vacuum pumps are now widely pitched by "legitimate" doctors and so-called sexual experts. Scary.

Most vacuum pumps consist of a plastic cylinder that fits over the flaccid penis with a length of tubing attached to a hole at the tip. The other end of the tubing is attached to a hand-held bulb that extracts air from the cylinder when pumped repeatedly. As a vacuum is formed inside the cylinder, the penis usually achieves a fairly monumental erect state. The latest, most expensive vacuum pumps feature electric air-extracting devices and are touted for their ability to produce the largest erections possible. Some manufacturers claim that vacuum pumps also lengthen the flaccid penis following erection and after what we are led to believe are the most powerful orgasms in the history of mankind. None of them claim any permanent lengthening and for good reason: Vacuum pumps provide no permanent enlargement of the penis.

While all that may be fine and dandy for some men, rarely are the adverse and even dangerous effects these pumps can cause even hinted at. Normally, when the penis is stimulated, the spongy tissue inside expands as blood vessels within the organ become engorged. This eventually produces a sufficient state of rigor that enables intercourse and ejaculation. Vacuum pumps work by intensifying engorgement and, in doing so, often cause the blood vessels within the penis to burst. We'll call it the hickey principal: Suck hard enough and a bruise is born. So while you get the temporary pleasure of a throbbing purple-helmeted warrior of love with which to frighten and painfully pound your partner, you may also get the pleasure of grimacing as you tuck yourself into your 501 and attempt to function as a clothed member (no pun intended) of society.

While vacuum pumps may not cause any permanent dysfunction, repeated use can be painful and not worth the trouble or the hard cash used to purchase them ($40-$140). Besides, if your partner isn't happy with the size of your Johnson, then they probably have some growing up to do. And if you are unable to satisfy with what you've got, you'd be better off putting energy into improving your technique than trying to pump yourself up. Vacuums are for carpet.

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