Weekly Wire
NewCityNet New Year's Peeve

By Dave Chamberlain

JANUARY 5, 1998: 

The Veruca Salters resolve to quit dating rock stars.

Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl resolves to not get caught cheating on his rock-star girlfriends.

Blur resolves nothing. WOO-HOOO!

Bush resolves to never record again and just let engineers remix their entire catalog.

Local H resolves to figure out how to stop all those people they don't like from coming to their shows.

Smashing Pumpkins resolve to quit living off the success of the last record and make a new one.

Anti-heroin band K's Choice resolves to follow-up "Not an Addict" by addressing a more weighty blight on society with "Not a Spice Girls fan."

Prodigy resolves to slap the dancing guy.

Jane's Addiction resolves to drop the hype-charge and just record under the band's real name: Porno For Pyros.

Nashville Pussy resolves to breathe more fire than has ever been breathed.

Green Day resolves to kick the ass of every 21-year-old rock critic who calls them sell-outs.

Metallica resolves to drop the arena rock for all-acoustic shows in coffeehouses.

Ben Folds Five resolves to go to the next level and be even stupider.

Waco Brothers' Jon Langford resolves to finally produce, direct and star in the movie he wrote: "Bob Wills Is Cool."

Tortoise resolves to make its music accessible by recording a series of singles inspired by Erich Segal's "Love Story."

Corrosion of Conformity resolves to change its name to Conformity.

The Handsome Family resolves to drop the drum machine out of a window.

Jon Spencer resolves to evolve into Jon Spencer Folk Explosion.

WXRT resolves to let the DJs' grandkids make up the playlist.

Helmet resolves to write a second song.

The Ramones resolve to get back together for the "We never really broke up because this is all we can do" tour '98.

Henry Rollins resolves to be a leaner, bigger, healthier, stronger and even more superior fighting machine in torment.

The Notorious B.I.G. resolves not to be dead.

The House of Blues resolves to completely eliminate any modern band from its show roster and feature only War and Night Ranger.

Q101 resolves to expand its playlist to eleven songs.

Gaunt resolves to totally abandon its sound for a major-label release. (Oops, already done.)

Rock 103.5 resolves to drop music entirely for round-the-clock sucking up to dead celebrities.

Bob Dylan resolves to make an all-Skrewdriver-cover record, just to see if fans will still buy every ticket to his shows in less than an hour.

Poi Dog Pondering resolves to tour with Slayer.

The Stone Temple Pilots resolve to write a second song.

Phish and Blues Traveler resolve to pick up where Jerry left off and really go after that Grateful Dead vibe.

Alanis Morrisette resolves to keep moving south, where people have never heard of her, and make her next record a Mexico-only release.

Wu-Tang Clan resolves to stop kicking its tour manager's ass.

Meredith Brooks resolves to follow-up her chart-topping "Bitch" with "Coming Up with a New Song Is a Bitch."

Sarah MacLachlin resolves to finally get around to playing a show in Chicago.

Rage Against the Machine resolves to write a second song.

Each member of Korn resolves to start playing the same song at the same time while on stage.

INXS resolves to skyrocket up the charts again by having its guitar player kill himself.

The Rolling Stones resolve to publicize their next tour.

Will Oldham of Palace resolves to drop the brooding, Appalachian indie-rock and start recording feel-good music with Lionel Ritchie and Motley Crüe.


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