By Anna Hanks

JANUARY 10, 2000: 

Things To Do With All That Leftover "Year 2000" Crap

1. Create a time capsule; everything is already labeled.
2. Save for next New Year's Eve. Invite clueless guests to next year's bash.
3. At your elderly dog's next birthday party, explain that that's how old Fido is in dog years.
4. Change to an Islamic or Hijri calendar, which is currently in the year 1420; wait for 2000 to roll around again.
5. Stockpile as "collector's items." Wait for the 2100 edition of the Antiques Roadshow.
6. Buy some "Class of --" stickers and recycle for this year's high school graduation.
7. Burn for fuel when you have no money to pay electric bill because of excessive party supply spending.
8. Open a millennium-themed disco.
9. Send home with any party guests still remaining.
10. Use to decorate the leftover black-eyed peas in the fridge.

Places to Romance Your New Year's Eve Pickup

1. Chez Nous
2. The Eastside Cafe
3. Nau's Enfield Drug -- for breakfast
4. Dot's Place
5. The Taco Shack on Burnet Road -- for breakfast
6. Enchiladas y Mas.
7. McDonald's. Try not to blush when you ask them to "supersize it."
8. Sonic (it's a drive-in).
9. The Travis County Exposition Center, Rodeo Grounds, and Ice Hockey Rink.
10. Either of their places with a six pack and a bag of corn chips.

Instantly Dated Phrases in the Year 2000

1. We're gonna party like it's 1999.
2. So, what are your plans for the millennium?
3. That's life in the Nineties.
4. Hellooooooo??? Welcome to the 20th century --
5. A2K's gonna be pretty cool, isn't it?
6. So, how's that Y2K bunker coming along?
7. Yes, I'd like to place an order. Could you overnight two cases of Spam and a generator, please?
8. I know this guy, he's (a computer programmer/NASA engineer/Bill Gates), and he's got his complex all ready for Y2K.
9. Willennium.
10. It's the end of civilization as we know it.

Board Games of the Millennium (That Demonstrate How Bad Life Really Sucks)

1. Payday
2. Career
3. Life
4. Monopoly
5. Mystery Date
6. Sorry!
7. Trouble
8. Stratego
9. Risk
10. Chutes & Ladders

Official Pain Relievers of the Y2K Celebration

1. Barton Springs, for that whole body ice-pack effect.
2. Hair of the Rottweiler.
3. The pleasing thought that George Dub-yuh might be moving out of town this year.
4. A2K -- so mind numbingly boring that nothing could hurt.
5. Tanning in January!
6. Leather on after-Christmas clearance.
7. No more terrifying tales of champagne shortages.
8. The tags are still on your dress, and you don't sweat!
9. A massage from your new and very Y2K-compliant -- friend.
10. The idea that someone, somewhere, must feel much worse than you do.

Things To Do With the Y2K Survival Gear

1. 1. Donate to small, needy country where sadly there aren't enough weapons for every man, woman, and child.
2. 2. Open a youth hostel. Charge sweaty young German backpackers to experience American Y2K hysteria firsthand.
3. 3. Make babies. Candlelight is so romantic.
4. 4. Write memoirs: How I Was Sucked Into A2K Madness, and Why Kirk Watson Is Responsible.
5. 5. Auction it off on eBay. Some dorks think that the millennium really begins next year.
6. 6. Convince your sweetie that the world ended and that the two of you are the only ones left to repopulate it. (Don't let your sweetie out of the house.)
7. 7. Rent bunker as apartment to students with low expectations.
8. 8. Serenade your survival goods so they won't feel lonesome. Try: "99 bottles of water on the wall/99 bottles of water/Take one down, pass it around -- "
9. 9. Find receipts.
10. 10. Bunker sale!

1. Austin Chronicle's Xtra Feature Archives
2. Anna Hanks Archives