Top 10 Y2K Top 10 Lists
It Wasn't the End of the World as We Knew It ...
By Anna Hanks
JANUARY 10, 2000:
Things To Do With All That Leftover "Year 2000" Crap
- Create a time capsule; everything is already labeled.
- Save for next New Year's Eve. Invite clueless guests to next year's bash.
- At your elderly dog's next birthday party, explain that that's how old Fido is in dog years.
- Change to an Islamic or Hijri calendar, which is currently in the year 1420; wait for 2000 to roll around again.
- Stockpile as "collector's items." Wait for the 2100 edition of the Antiques Roadshow.
- Buy some "Class of --" stickers and recycle for this year's high school graduation.
- Burn for fuel when you have no money to pay electric bill because of excessive party supply spending.
- Open a millennium-themed disco.
- Send home with any party guests still remaining.
- Use to decorate the leftover black-eyed peas in the fridge.
Places to Romance Your New Year's Eve Pickup
- Chez Nous
- The Eastside Cafe
- Nau's Enfield Drug -- for breakfast
- Dot's Place
- The Taco Shack on Burnet Road -- for breakfast
- Enchiladas y Mas.
- McDonald's. Try not to blush when you ask them to "supersize it."
- Sonic (it's a drive-in).
- The Travis County Exposition Center, Rodeo Grounds, and Ice Hockey Rink.
- Either of their places with a six pack and a bag of corn chips.
Instantly Dated Phrases in the Year 2000
- We're gonna party like it's 1999.
- So, what are your plans for the millennium?
- That's life in the Nineties.
- Hellooooooo??? Welcome to the 20th century --
- A2K's gonna be pretty cool, isn't it?
- So, how's that Y2K bunker coming along?
- Yes, I'd like to place an order. Could you overnight two cases of Spam and a generator, please?
- I know this guy, he's (a computer programmer/NASA engineer/Bill Gates), and he's got his complex all ready for Y2K.
- It's the end of civilization as we know it.
Board Games of the Millennium (That Demonstrate How Bad Life Really Sucks)
- Mystery Date
- Chutes & Ladders
Official Pain Relievers of the Y2K Celebration
- Barton Springs, for that whole body ice-pack effect.
- Hair of the Rottweiler.
- The pleasing thought that George Dub-yuh might be moving out of town this year.
- A2K -- so mind numbingly boring that nothing could hurt.
- Tanning in January!
- Leather on after-Christmas clearance.
- No more terrifying tales of champagne shortages.
- The tags are still on your dress, and you don't sweat!
- A massage from your new and very Y2K-compliant -- friend.
- The idea that someone, somewhere, must feel much worse than you do.
Things To Do With the Y2K Survival Gear
- 1. Donate to small, needy country where sadly there aren't enough weapons for every man, woman, and child.
- 2. Open a youth hostel. Charge sweaty young German backpackers to experience American Y2K hysteria firsthand.
- 3. Make babies. Candlelight is so romantic.
- 4. Write memoirs: How I Was Sucked Into A2K Madness, and Why Kirk Watson Is Responsible.
- 5. Auction it off on eBay. Some dorks think that the millennium really begins next year.
- 6. Convince your sweetie that the world ended and that the two of you are the only ones left to repopulate it. (Don't let your sweetie out of the house.)
- 7. Rent bunker as apartment to students with low expectations.
- 8. Serenade your survival goods so they won't feel lonesome. Try: "99 bottles of water on the wall/99 bottles of water/Take one down, pass it around -- "
- 9. Find receipts.
- 10. Bunker sale!
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