Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi The Fat Police Will Die

By Captain Opinion

JANUARY 17, 2000:  Not to get too morose, but everybody reading this column will die. Even those who don't read it will die. All six billion people alive right now will die. Every one of the billions who have come before us has died. Everybody born in the future will die. Every plant, animal, bug, snake, germ and politician that has ever lived or that ever will live has died or will die. No living thing ever has and no living thing ever will get out of this thing alive. That's life.

It's important to understand and to accept death if we are to live happy and free lives, and if we are to beat back the yammering health nags who are now attacking our favorite foods -- and thus our freedom to eat -- the way they have gone after tobacco. Yes, the health police are starting to go after Big Fat.

In his time, columnist Jack Anderson has written some dumb pieces. But none has been as idiotic as one that appeared locally recently. In the piece, Anderson announced that obesity is a major problem in the U.S. that causes 300,000 deaths a year. Obesity, Anderson quoted the American Medical Association as saying, is the second leading cause of preventable death after smoking.

And because there are too many fat people in this land of plenty, it is time, Anderson said, to declare war on fat. He quoted a health nag from Yale, Kelly Brownell, as saying that obesity is being encouraged by the "toxic food environment" offered by fast food restaurants. Crybaby Brownell sniffed that fast food places offer "high-calorie foods, heavily promoted and (here's the real crime) good tasting." Anderson suggested that restaurants and food makers might soon find themselves defendants in lawsuits, and then quoted the screwball Brownell as saying, "There is no difference to me between Joe Camel and Ronald McDonald."

Well, to Anderson, Brownell and all the other food nags who want to control every aspect of our lives, I say, f*** off. Leave us alone. Get out of our lives. And most importantly, understand life -- and death.

Something horrifying has happened in this country in the past 30 to 40 years. While we have been carving out more wilderness areas, draping ourselves with more and more high-priced outdoors garb from Lands' End and REI, gobbling down tons of health foods and buying millions of SUVs to race up and down mountains with, we have been moving farther and farther away from an understanding and an acceptance of nature. We have become a self-absorbed, narcissistic society who believe that if we eat enough of the right foods, take vitamins and exercise we will live forever.

Well, it ain't true. Anderson, who is no stranger to belly overhang, will die no matter how many times he declares war on fat. Brownell will go to a certain grave thinking it's a crime that fast food joints sell food that tastes good and that people like. Every meat eater and vegetarian, every bodybuilder and couch potato, every wino and teetotaler, every sinner and saint will die. Everybody will die.

No matter how many tons of carrots, fields of oats or heads of broccoli you stuff down your throat, you will die. No matter how often you exercise and no matter how much you reduce your fat intake, at some point your heart or lungs or kidneys or liver will give way, or a vein in your brain will pop, and the lights will go out.

Even if you eat a head of lettuce, three apples and two glasses of ionized air every day for breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks, you can still get cancer. Who or what will the nitwit Brownell sue then? However long you live, once the body starts going, once the kidneys and liver start going, you'll be hospitalized and stuck with horrendous medical bills. No matter how often you go to your HMO in your 30s, once you start on the final downward slide, it's going to cost a bundle to take care of you.

No matter how hard we try, no matter how many laws we pass, no matter how many lawsuits the smug, sanctimonious, control freak health police file, no matter how many genes we splice and engineer, we cannot prevent disease, make life perfect or stave off death.

So Anderson, Brownell and all the other arrogant asses who now want to dictate what we can and cannot eat should f*** off. Leave us to our cheeseburgers, steaks, lobsters, Velveeta, ribs, pork chops, hams, butter, eggs, bacon, sausage, roasts, tongues and hot dogs, and to our fun.

And if Brownell and company really think that death is preventable, here's a tip: Just wait and see.

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