By Cap'n O

JANUARY 20, 1998:  No matter how many times the Catholics tried to tell us as kids that the pope was infallible, I could always point to one thing that proved it wasn't true: those goofy hats and the ill-fitting clothes he wore.

Pimps dressed better than the pope did. The neighborhood bums were more stylish. Even the guy down the block who wore brown paper lunch bags on his head on Saturdays looked more dignified than the pope did in those pointy hats.

Now I have more proof that the pope isn't infallible and that his head probably conforms to the shape of those hats he wears. Two weeks ago, Pope John Paul II awarded papal knighthoods to 67 people in Los Angeles. I'm not sure what papal knights do, but I bet it would be fun to poke out someone's eye with a lance. It would be even more fun to constantly demand money from parishioners.

The knighthoods are big honors. The church says they are awarded to people of "unblemished character" who have "promoted the interests of society, the Catholic Church and the Holy See."

The people of "unblemished character" that John Paul knighted include Rupert Murdoch, Bob Hope and Roy Disney. That's what's making me think the pope's line to God is on the fritz.

Murdoch has an unblemished record, but I'm not so sure it's a record anyone would be proud of. He has bought great American newspapers, turned them into junk and pushed moronic newspaper games on the public. Games like Wingo don't promote the interests of society in general. But I'm sure that for old, rigid men who run the Vatican it was a giant intellectual step forward.

Bob Hope has an unblemished record of not being funny. This could get me charged with treason, but I confess that I've never laughed at any of his stuff. He fits in with the church, which for centuries has been a bad joke.

Roy Disney helps run an entertainment company that distorts history, turns everything it touches into mush and deceives children by making them think that life is one happy song in which nothing ever goes wrong. The Disney company makes millions off its lies to children. It's not surprising that the Vatican admires big lies. Look how it tried to cover up and protect sleazeball priests who molested young boys.

We all know what really gets someone honored by the biggest bureaucracy in the world. It's the amount of money donated to their causes. But I can understand the awarding of the knighthoods. Any unblemished record is an accomplishment. Strict discipline and unwavering adherence to a program are admirable. So in the spirit of awarding papal knighthood based on unblemished records and dubious contributions to society, here are some recommendations for next year's Holy See's knights:

• Adolph Hitler: This crazy little man had an unblemished record of murdering Jews, Poles, Ukrainians, Russians, Albanians, midgets, gays and anyone who couldn't burp on command.

• Larry Flint: This creep has never wavered in his effort to provide society with the sickest and most disgusting pornography. He has an unblemished record of being useless to society. And like the Holy See, he is a master of getting people to buy into mind-warping trash.

• Any drug dealer who sells to children: The contribution here is that they destroy children's minds. That's something the church has been doing for the past 2,000 years.

• Any Arab car bomber who has killed people in the name of religion: These fanatics uphold the holiest principle of all religions-- "If you don't believe exactly the same thing we do, you die."

• Everyone in the Kennedy family: These people have an unblemished record of arrogant, self-destructive behavior, and there's no indication that they will change.

• The pope: He deserves a knighthood for heading up an organization that has a 2,000 year unblemished record of insulting human intelligence, trashing human dignity, lying to its members and debasing that which is truly holy, spiritual and good.

If you see a papal knight, don't walk behind them. You wouldn't want to slip in the slime.

• Weekly Alibi's Captain Opinion Archives
• Cap'n O Archives