Measuring Your Assets
By Marion Winik
FEBRUARY 15, 1999: While factors such as personality, intelligence, education, and work experience are all important to a woman's self-esteem and prospects, these indicators are secondary compared to the importance of her butt size. Even the most brilliant, kindly, accomplished, and beautiful woman can find herself living in the Seventh Circle of Hell if her butt is too big. And how do you know? I mean, once in a while you end up in a department store dressing room with fluorescent lights and the three-way mirror and you see to your shock that a hideous alien life form is now posing as one of your body parts. Fortunately, this is rare. Most of the time, your butt is in your head, and that is why psychologists have at last provided an assessment tool in this critical area.
While a written test like the BAT cannot determine the actual, i.e. "physical," size of your butt, studies have shown that physical reality is far less important than delusional projections when evaluating the effect of BBS (Big Butt Syndrome) on a woman's daily life. The BAT is designed to measure how big you think your butt is, and how neurotic you have become about it. And it's fun!
Multiple Choice Section1. The best thing about my butt is
a. it looks so good in a thong.
b. guys are crazy for it.
c. it is comfortable to sit on.
d. it is in a place where I rarely see it.
a. leg lifts.
c. arm circles.
d. stuffing it into jeans that are too small.
Analogy Section11. Good:Evil :: Claudia Schiffer's butt:
a. O.J. Simpson's glove
b. Bob Dole's neck
c. Medusa's hair
d. my butt
True and False Section12. At least my butt is smooth and unblemished.
13. At least my butt looks good in a pair of jeans.
14. At least my butt is not the size of a Chevy Suburban.
15. At least my butt is not responsible for the many problems of the world.
ScoringScore one point for each "d" and each "False" answer you chose.
Regular Chronicle contributor and NPR commentator Marion Winik is involved in an intensive training program to learn to love her butt. She reports limited success.
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