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Leo Hosts 'The Beach' Party Of The Millennium!

By James DiGiovanna

FEBRUARY 21, 2000:  WELL, IT'S LATE winter, the time of year when the studios take out the trash, and sadly, they assume that your local cinema is the dumpster. There being only so many variants for the terms "unwatchable" and "heinous," the average critic can get a little bored. Thus, please indulge me if I didn't let The Beach's glorious mediocrity deter me from giving it a glowing review, if only to break up the monotony:

If life's a Beach then I want to live it! In the most Leo-tastic movie since The Big Boat Sinks and Wins Lots of Oscars and Cash, director Danny Boyle takes us on a wild ride to that uncharted territory of human consciousness: the zany stuff hippies do while partying on the beach!

It all starts when Richard (played by Leonardo Di-licious-Caprio) tries to "check-out" of the boring world of the West by going to Bangkok and having a ceaseless voice-over monologue give deep commentary on everything he does. While breaking new ground by criticizing such sacred cows as tourism and consumerism and badness, Richard gets more than he bargained for when he has a run in with a crazy Scotsman. This causes the city of "Bangcock" to live up to its name because this balmy Brit bequeaths a map to our young Richard -- a map to paradise!

But, of course, what is paradise to a lonely young man if he has no beautiful young Frenchwoman to take with him? It's merde, that's what, so Richard asks along the only beautiful young Frenchwoman staying in the room next to his, but he gets more than he bargained for when it turns out that she must bring along her boyfriend, who is also French, young and beautiful.

Before they go off in search of the magical Beach of Paradise, our three young, beautiful people watch Apocalypse Now on cable, so as to subtly set the mood for some later scene where they get to the beach and start acting like something out of Apocalypse Now.

Unfortunately, Richard (who's Leo-liciously Oscarrific® in this scene) gets real stoned and gets more than he bargained for when he leaves a copy of the map with a couple of beer-swilling hippies. Frankly, no one in his right mind would leave anything of any value anywhere near a pair of beer-swilling hippies, so this powerful and well-thought-out scene shows that Richard is on the edge!

Anyway, this paradise that our young hipsters seek is on an island that has no ferry line! So, in a daring move that shows just how innovative and powerful The Beach can be, all three must strip down to skimpy swimsuits and swim across a wide expanse of ocean in order to arrive at their destination with the greatest possible display of Leonardo Di-liriously dreamy-Caprio's nipples!

When they get there, though, they get more than they bargained for when it turns out the beautiful island is crawling with foreigners. As we all know, foreigners are trouble and can't be trusted with things like "paradise" and "major roles in a movie." Luckily, our well-proportioned young heroes escape the evil foreigners to find the one spot on the island that's inhabited by beautiful white people and one token black guy.

The beautiful white people and one token black guy are a commune of hippies who wanted to escape from the horrors of the modern commercial world, horrors like not being able to play on the beach all day, or having to wear the kind of clothes that would fail to accent their beautiful young bodies.

Of course, leaving behind the modern world will bring you paradise, but paradise can bring you more than you bargained for! So bad stuff starts happening! And paradise must end! Plus those beer swilling hippies to whom Richard gave a map show up and ruin everything!

But when paradise comes to an end lots of stuff happens. There's nothing that we, the movie-going public, love more than stuff that happens. The Beach, thank God, is full of such stuff. Stuff like Love, and Sex, and Powerful Feelings About Stuff! Also, lots of Leonardo Di-lectable-Caprio in nothing but shorts.

Of course, if you go to The Beach expecting just a hollow movie starring your favorite young star (i.e. Leonardo Di-vine-Caprio), you'll get more than you bargained for when it turns out that this movie is deep like the very ocean, and as wild and untamed as the jungle itself! I hope you are prepared to do some real thinking while watching Leonardo Di-lightful-Caprio go native and have trouble with his feelings and narrate the movie in his really powerful voice-over monologue, because if not, The Beach is not for you, since you're just another example of the product-obsessed evil of Western consumerist culture.

Now, just to make sure I can get quoted on the box when The Beach comes to video, here are a few closing comments:

Not only the best Leonardo DiCaprio movie so far this year, The Beach is the best Leonardo DiCaprio movie so far this century!

Forget about the cold of winter, go have a Leo-riffic great time at The Beach!

It's The Beach party of the decade...and Leonardo's invited!

I think its clear that if Oscar® is planning a vacation, he'll be taking it on The Beach!


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