Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

MARCH 6, 2000: 

Travel back to the 3rd century B.C.E., where a mighty warrior tries to unite the seven kingdoms of China using whatever means necessary in a Cecil B. DeMille-style epic by Chen Kaige (Farewell, My Concubine). As a bonus, it was also the most expensive Asian film ever made! And we all know how great the price-y American films are...
Prediction: Beloved film critic Zak Weisfeld has been chomping at the bit for this flick to come out—and it's for more than his love for Mandarin sub-titles.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Bette Midler drives her Yugo into the Hudson River in small-town New York. Everyone in town, like Jamie Lee Curtis, Neve Campbell, and Casey Affleck, could have a reason for wanting this mean, old lady dead and it's Danny DeVito's job to find out who did the deed.
Prediction: It'll be like Murder Under The Sun but with better jokes and a less scenic landscape.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Kate Winslet is back on another spiritual quest, this one to an ashram in India. Unfortunately, her folks back in Australia aren't too happy about her choice, lure her back, and lock her in a room with de-programmer Harvey Keitel. I'm scared—and this isn't even a horror flick.
Prediction: Reviews claim two things: 1) Winslet is brilliant and 2) Jane Campion (The Piano, Sweetie) has made a mess of this film. Actually, there's a third thing, but it involves Keitel, red lipstick, and a dress that is simply too horrific to discuss in a family publication.
Probable Entertainment Value: D

Eight-year-old Frankie Muniz (you know, the cute kid on Malcolm in the Middle) finds a friend in a Jack Russell terrier named, uh, Skip. Based on Willie Morris' best-selling memoir of the same title.
Prediction: Well, it does have Kevin Bacon in it. Who doesn't like Kevin Bacon?
Probable Entertainment Value: B

The studly, gay Rupert Everett knocks up the studly, nympho Madonna and they decide to raise the bambino together. Hilarity ensues.
Prediction: I'm still reeling over that techno remake of "American Pie." Makes me want to go down to the levee and drink some rye is what it does. Ick. And I suspect Next Best will make me want to do the same.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Brian Hooks gets out of the pen. He's warned that his next crime will be his third strike, which would be very, very bad. Next thing you know, he's unavoidably sucked into just what he wants to avoid. And, then, David Alan Grier shows up and things get very, very strange. Funny, but strange.
Prediction: If you loved Friday, you'll love this.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Call this the indie Anywhere But Here but with a much better script. Janet McTeer is the mom who drags her daughter across the country in search of the perfect love. Yeah, that always works.
Prediction: All accounts claim that Tumbleweeds is very likable, if not frighteningly original. Hey, sounds good to me.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Garry Shandling is an alien who must mate with an Earth woman for the good of his species. Annette Bening is his intended, yet Shandling still thinks he can compete with Warren Beatty. Now that's comedy.
Prediction: It'll be fluffy, frothy, and full of penis jokes—the perfect date movie!
Probable Entertainment Value: B

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