Weekly Wire
Salt Lake City Weekly Stand Up For America!

By D.P. Sorensen

MARCH 30, 1998:  Whom do you believe, President Clinton, or White House volunteer Kathleen Willey? Who's telling the truth, Billy or Willey?

I watched Ms. Willey on 60 Minutes, and I have to say I believed every word (except I kept getting distracted by Ed Bradley's little earring—you wouldn't catch Mike Wallace or Morley Safer wearing one of those do-dads). I believed Ms. Willey, especially when Ed came on like a Masters and Johnson sex researcher minus the clipboard and white lab coat and asked Ms. Willey, "Was he, uh, aroused?"

This was better than that MTV sex-advice show, where starlets recline on the sofa and discuss vibrators and water-soluble lubricants with some doctor and that chucklehead guy, and give advice to audience members about dealing with STDs. The President's Penis! "Was he, uh, aroused?"

As Rep. Chris Cannon said when Democrats pulled out of the 3rd District Congressional race, "I'm pretty darn excited!" Yesss! You'd better bet Rep. Cannon is a firm candidate for Congress, even if no one else is.

Getting back to Ed and Ms. Willey: You could tell she was embarrassed. She kinda pursed her lips and looked away (though she kept sneaking a peek at Ed's earring). I don't know about you, but it sure looked to me like Ed was getting aroused himself.

Well, the next day our boy Bill swore up and down that all he ever did was give Ms. Willey a great big old hug and comforted her by planting a peck on her forehead (he didn't say so, but with those bangs of Ms. Willey, he probably got some hair in his teeth). And the only thing he felt was her pain.

Our President sure looked to me like he was telling the truth. Of course, I believe everything anybody tells me. I used to watch To Tell the Truth back in the old days, and I don't think I ever guessed who the real Mr. So-and-So was. I believed every one of them!

So, of course, I believed my President. But when I saw him sitting there, sincere-looking and popping his eyes the way my governor does, and putting his hand on his sternum the way he does when everyone is always picking on him, I sorta wished Ed or Morley or Mike (Wallace, not Leavitt), or maybe even Sam or especially that Cookie Roberts gal—you can tell she's plenty steamed by all this sex stuff—or someone were there to ask the question all America wanted to ask: "Tell me, Mister President, were you, uh, aroused?"

Anyway, I'm still in the dark on this. I tried to get some input from my mayor, but Deedee defender and confidant Bud Weed, who's always up on all the latest gossip, said the President has never come on to Ms. Corradini. (Good for her! I bet she's just about the only woman Our Boy Bill hasn't tried to grope!) Bud said he's never seen the President aroused in the presence of the mayor. "And, Lord knows, I've never been aroused myself," said Bud with a giggle.

Well, I guess we'll just have to wait until all the facts come in on this matter. Let's not be hard on our President, or get all aroused by these allegations. Be firm in your resolve and Stand Up for America!


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