Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

APRIL 10, 2000: 

As oxymoronic as it sounds, Beautiful People is a Bosnian black comedy, full of the horrors of war and its ridiculousness, using humor to highlight both. As if that weren't enough, Beautiful has a cast of dozens, storylines a-go-go, London as a backdrop, and a sub-text all about the universal search for human connection. You know, just something Danielle Steel might dash off on her way to the hair stylist.
Prediction: Rumor has it that it is as beautiful as the name implies.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Pull out your notebooks and follow me on this one: a criminal (Oli "Power" Grant) decides to reinvent himself as a hip-hop impresario while a documentary filmmaker (Brooke Shields) and her pervert husband (Robert Downey Jr.) follows some wiggers into the scene; then, a NYPD cop (Ben Stiller) tries to blackmail said criminal-turned-Puffy but the plot backfires due to a nosy girlfriend (Claudia Schiffer) and basketball-playing friend (Allen Houston). Then, everyone from Marla Maples to Method Man turns up. Then, it gets complicated.
Prediction: Writer/director James Toback has worked odd magic in the past, like Bugsy, The Pick-Up Artist, Two Girls and a Guy, and probably will again with this picture—if only he can keep each one of these storylines in the air at the same time, which will be twice as tricky as it looks...and it looks pretty tricky.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

A sleepy fishing village on the Donegal coast imports some American women as potential brides, which is, oddly enough, what some of the men in the esteemed Metro Pulse offices would like to do. Talk about art imitating life! (Send all inquiries to Wife! in care of the Market Street address)
Prediction: It'll be a heartwarming, screwball-lite comedy along the lines of Waking Ned Devine.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Sigourney Weaver's perfect day goes to heck when she lets Annette Bening's kid drown in this two-handkerchief scenery-chewer drama based on Jane Hamilton's book.
Prediction: Did you know Weaver researched this role by A) going to Kmart and B) milking a goat? Talk about your taste of small-town life.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Minnie Driver and David Duchovny's lives are smooshed together by fate in this multi-ethnic romantic comedy set in Chicago.
Prediction: It'll be fine. Just fine.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

David Arquette will spend two hours doing his lovable wacko routine with Oliver Platt and Scott Caan. Professional wrestling is involved. Hijinks ensue. Teenage boys flock.
Prediction: Please, please, please don't make me go to this. I'll be a good Guru from now on. I promise. Please? I'm beggin' here.
Probable Entertainment Value: D

Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson make the ubiquitous, prototypical military courtroom drama. One of them is an attorney, the other a hero wrongly accused. Now, where have I seen this before?
Prediction: It could be the most brilliant movie in the world but the persistent plot deja vu will drive me crazy.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Shakespeare's bloodiest, most sadistic play gets a new lease with this wicked interpretation by The Lion King's Julie Taymor. The great Anthony Hopkins is Titus, while Alan Cumming, Jessica Lange, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers are the players in his sick, little games. Sounds like a dream I once had.
Prediction: Taymor took a vapid Disney plot and turned it into magic. Reckon she can do the same with a great playwright?
Probable Entertainment Value: A

This isn't a war movie in a traditional sense—instead of battlefields and armies, there are living rooms and parents. Seen through the eyes of actor-turned-director Tim Roth, this is a war of secrets and connections, most of which are too horrible to name.
Prediction: Similar to and as brilliant as Gary Oldman's Nil By Mouth and no less painful to watch.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

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