By Cap'n O

APRIL 13, 1998:  Do you dislike rapists? Disapprove of ax murderers? Feel uncomfortable around arsonists? Have the urge to denounce pedophiles?

If you do, don't apply for a job at CBS. You're not welcome there.

It appears that this TV network, which has helped turn us into a nation of idiots, is taking political correctness to an extreme that goes beyond bizarre.

A couple of weeks ago, Green Bay Packers football player Reggie White told Wisconsin state legislators that homosexuality is a sin, that whites are money makers, that blacks are gifted worshipers and that Indians know "how to sneak up on people."

In a clumsy way, White was probably trying to point out that there are differences between races and ethnic groups and that we should accept these differences and live in harmony with each other.

But the professional ethnics and the freedom-hating, politically correct thought-police screamed and stomped and howled and squeaked that White was a monster who committed the heinous crime of being culturally insensitive.

The people at CBS squeaked as well. White had been auditioning with CBS for a sports analyst's job. After the pinhead reporters had expressed their outrage at White's opinions, they asked CBS spokeswoman Leslie Anne Wade if his remarks had ruined his chances for the broadcasting job. Wade said she couldn't say. But she added this: "CBS has a hard-and-fast policy against bias of any kind."

If Wade was telling the truth, then no human being could ever be hired again by CBS. Having a policy against "bias of any kind" is overly broad and incredibly stupid. But it's what we have come to in this era of fear, hypersensitivity and political correctness.

Are you just a tad angry that a paroled child molester bought a house down the block from you and your children? Shame on you. That's a bias. Don't look for a job at CBS. Are you sick of pouting, vile little gangbangers who spend their time painting graffiti on houses, shooting your neighbors and smashing car windows? Cleanse yourself of such evil, biased thoughts. Or stay away from CBS.

It's a good thing that Winston Churchill is dead. This flawed, culturally insensitive Neanderthal had a bias against Nazis and Germans. His résumé never would have made it past Wade's desk. Same thing for Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal. He's spent a lifetime being biased against Nazis who exterminated Jews during World War II. What a tragedy it is that these two were never as culturally progressive as Wade and the others at CBS. Can you imagine how much nicer the world would have turned out if only Churchill and the Brits and Jews of his generation had been free of their odious bias against Nazis?

If you dislike Southwest-style architecture, hate cold weather or abhor a steady diet of whale blubber, don't go to CBS. You're biased.

Discrimination used to mean being able to distinguish between different possibilities and choose the most pleasant or appropriate, whether it be fine wines, furniture, brands of potato chips or types of people. It also used to mean being able to set up boundaries so as to protect yourself from the world's evils, such as murderers and bureaucrats. Not everything should be tolerated. Some biases are good and essential to survival.

Despite what the cultural elite at CBS think, there are real differences between races and ethnic groups. If there weren't, we wouldn't have pizza pie, moo shu pork or the zesty boiled cabbage. Nor would we have all of those different, dazzling peasant outfits.

If CBS and the other arbiters of our culture have their way, we will no longer be allowed to discriminate against bad taste, bad smells, lousy food, bad music, shoddy workmanship, stupidity and boring conversation. And we won't be able to protect ourselves from killers, thugs, misfits and school board members. To do so would be exhibiting a bias, and in the world of CBS, that would be wrong.

However, this era of tolerance for everything could be a blessing for ax murderers, embezzlers and career politicians who feared that they might never again be hired in paying jobs. Social deviants who need work should go to CBS. They'll hire anybody who has difficulty in condemning baby killers or people who decapitate oldsters.

But if you're an idiot, look elsewhere for a job. CBS already has enough of those.

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