Weekly Wire
Tucson Weekly Dysfunction Discussion

The Sports Guy Goes Nuts On Viagra!

By Tom Danehy

APRIL 26, 1999:  I'VE BEEN WITH The Weekly for a looong time, although I'm sure that to some readers, it seems even longer than that. Over the years I've seen many talented people come and go. Matt Groening and Barbara Kingsolver moved on to fame and fortune, but, to balance things out, I'm still here.

Some of you might say that's the Peter Principle at work, to which I would respond, "Hey, I read The Peter Principle! That's not a compliment, is it?"

I care deeply about The Weekly and its contents, even the arts and ballet crap. That's why I was really concerned when a friend pointed out that our fine publication is now running a sex column. I grabbed a copy of the paper, found the column, and read the Q&A. I read the dirty parts two or three times just to make sure I understood them. Then I washed my hands.

Jeez, I thought, why do they need this? Can't people get enough smut from reading Jeff Smith's column?

I realize that The Weekly isn't always a "family" publication, but it does concern me that kids can pick the paper up out of the boxes anytime they want. So I went to see the editor to ask him why they were running it.

Going in, I knew there wasn't a whole lot of hope of convincing him of anything. You have to figure that the odds are slim when dealing with a guy whose 19 aliases all involve at least one slang term for a phallic symbol.

He explained his rationale, then kicked me out of his office. I yelled through the door, "Well, if you're going to run it, at least let me write it. I have two kids, so I've had sex at least twice! Plus, I've read all those advice columns in men's magazines."

On that last part, I was fudging. My dad was like the only man in the 1960s who didn't read Playboy. Instead, he got Argosy, which was about war and guns and eating lots of meat. The only Playboy I ever saw was in the top right-hand drawer of the seventh-grade Print Shop teacher's desk. But it had ink smudges all over it, mostly of his left thumbprint.

But how hard could this advice thing be? All you have to do is resist the urge to scream, "You're a sick, demented little lizard!" and then dispense your wisdom.

So, I snuck into the files and got some of the questions for the coming weeks, if you'll pardon the expression. Since the editor is off in Barbados or Casa Grande this week, I figured I'd slip it into the paper and then watch his expression of pleasant surprise when he gets back. Here we go:



Dear Sex Answer Guy:

Last summer I worked as a shepherd in a remote area. After a couple weeks I asked the veteran shepherds what they did to satisfy their urges. They told me they used the sheep. At first I resisted, but after a couple months my proclivities got the better of me. After a few minutes, the other shepherds surrounded us, howling with laughter. I asked, "Why are you laughing? You said you used the sheep!"

"Yeah," they replied, "but you got an ugly one!"

My question to you, Sex Answer Guy, is how can I tell which ones are the ugly ones?


A: Sweaters should be folded, not hung on hangers.



Dear Sex Answer Guy:

My 12-year-old son and his buddies all have the warm trembling thighs for those female characters on the Japanese animation series "Sailor Moon." Is this strange?


A: Strange. Bizarre. Unhealthy. Weird. We're having a sale on adjectives today. Worst of all is that your son might grow up thinking that there are actually women out there with eyes that big. (Cher's plastic fantastic manufactured eye sockets are that big, but her normal-sized eyes are sunken so far down in there it's like you're looking through the open top of a glass jar with the last black olive just rolling around on the bottom.)

Besides, it's creepy for your son to be attracted to a cartoon character. Such behavior dates back to Betty Boop, continued through Olive Oyl, and now is focused on the Japanese imports. It should be discouraged in all cases, except of course for Jessica Rabbit, who can't help it because she was drawn that way.

Jessica is the one and only exception. Oh sure, she wore skin-tight dresses that, in fact, were literally painted on. And there was that one small matter of her being married to a rabbit. But didn't you think it was amazing how she sounded just like Kathleen Turner?



Dear Sex Answer Guy:

Is it possible for someone to get chlamydia from eating too much peanut butter? That's how my girlfriend says she got it.


A: Stereo component systems should be closely matched. If the speaker capacity exceeds the transmitter output (or vice versa), you've overspent for nothing.



Dear Sex Answer Guy:

What's a frustum? And is it as dirty as the word sounds?

A: If you slice a pyramid or cone with a plane parallel to the base, the section between the base and the plane is a frustum, while the portion above the plane remains a (smaller) pyramid or cone. And just about any word in the English language can sound dirty if you say it right, especially if you giggle like Beavis afterwards. And I've got a feeling you have that part mastered.



Dear Sex Answer Guy:

What's all the fuss about "sideburn sex?" It's my understanding that guys with sideburns almost never have sex. But that's all I hear on the TV and radio these days is "sideburn sex." Also, what does sideburn sex have to do with computers? It seems like every time I hear somebody talking about sideburn sex, they mention computers in the same sentence.

A: Wow! GTO, Corvette or T-Bird? Tough choice. I guess it's like brunette, blonde or redhead. It all boils down to a matter of personal choice. And there's no wrong answer.


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