Wide Awake in America
By Cap'n O
JUNE 1, 1998:
Throughout life I've lost years' worth of sleep by worrying about
things like whether I'd have a heart attack, be devoured by flesh-eating
disease, whether NATO would survive or if the liquor store would
open on time in the morning.
I'm not alone in creating a market for sleeping pills and booze.
Life's troubles are intense and real and have made insomniacs
of millions. I mention this because the government's white-smocked
weapons spooks are off on another money-spending binge that doesn't
have to be. They're turning the simple concept of sleep deprivation
into a complex, million-dollar weapons project.
For a long time, the spooks at the national laboratories have
been trying to build so-called "non-lethal" weapons.
These are things that incapacitate enemy soldiers without killing
them: microwaves that explode eyeballs like popcorn, lasers that
blind and sonic wave cannons that knock down tall buildings and
trees.
They're already working on the most hideous weapon ever devised--the
bowel spasm machine. This weapon would cause the bowels of enemy
troops to spasm and their contents to liquefy, thus reducing millions
of soldiers to, as one government report says, "quivering
diarrhetic messes."
Not only is the bowel spasm machine the most inhumane weapon ever,
but it won't achieve the desired effect of winning a battle, let
alone a war. The spooks haven't figured that in order to win battles
and wars you must clear the enemy from the field and take them
prisoner. No one, not even the bug-eyed weapons spooks, would
want to get near millions of stinky, cramped up, excrement smeared
individuals. The bowel-spasm machine is truly typical of how the
government wastes time and money.
Now the white smocks are thinking of throwing millions of dollars
and untold study hours at a project called "Put the Enemy
to Sleep/Keep the Enemy From Sleeping." It calls for using
microwaves, acoustics and brain-wave manipulation to alter the
sleeping habits of enemy soldiers. I guess the object is to keep
them from sleeping until they get so tired they must fall asleep,
leaving key positions unwatched.
I like the idea. When their guys are sleeping, they won't be trying
to kill our guys, and our brave lads and lasses will be able to
go through the pockets of sleeping foes to look for spare change
and drugs. However, as usual, the weapons nuts are taking a simple
concept and complicating it way beyond what is necessary and financially
prudent.
Every night, millions of Americans lie in bed tossing and turning
and staring at ceilings while wishing desperately for oblivious,
forgetful sleep. These suffering masses go sleepless without the
help of expensive acoustic machines, microwaves or brain wave
manipulators. They are awake with worry about their jobs, about
which good friend, neighbor or relative their spouse is carrying
on with, about how old they'll be when they finally pay off their
credit card bills.
It doesn't take expensive gadgets to keep people from sleeping.
The researchers should save their time and money. If, in our next
war or police action, they need to keep the enemy from sleeping,
here are simple and inexpensive ways to do it:
- Parachute America's bosses behind enemy lines and have
them spout their ideas for work and life. Those listeners who
don't die laughing will lie awake fuming about the abusive blowhards
and what jerks they are.
- Use sports against them. All humans are alike, meaning
we're hopelessly shallow fools who tie our personal happiness
to the success or failure of sports teams. Drop pamphlets behind
enemy lines alleging that star players on all of their teams are
injured or holding out for better contracts. Very few will sleep.
- Get them copies of prestigious medical journals. Every
issue of these fright sheets presents new medical evidence that
says eating and living normally will give you cancer and kill
you. Enemy troops will never dig for another root or eat another
cabbage without worrying about the lethal liabilities of vegetables.
- Send them letters from their car mechanics saying that
needed repairs are much more extensive and expensive than originally
thought.
- Send them pictures of themselves naked.
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