Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Wide Awake in America

By Cap'n O

JUNE 1, 1998:  Throughout life I've lost years' worth of sleep by worrying about things like whether I'd have a heart attack, be devoured by flesh-eating disease, whether NATO would survive or if the liquor store would open on time in the morning.

I'm not alone in creating a market for sleeping pills and booze. Life's troubles are intense and real and have made insomniacs of millions. I mention this because the government's white-smocked weapons spooks are off on another money-spending binge that doesn't have to be. They're turning the simple concept of sleep deprivation into a complex, million-dollar weapons project.

For a long time, the spooks at the national laboratories have been trying to build so-called "non-lethal" weapons. These are things that incapacitate enemy soldiers without killing them: microwaves that explode eyeballs like popcorn, lasers that blind and sonic wave cannons that knock down tall buildings and trees.

They're already working on the most hideous weapon ever devised--the bowel spasm machine. This weapon would cause the bowels of enemy troops to spasm and their contents to liquefy, thus reducing millions of soldiers to, as one government report says, "quivering diarrhetic messes."

Not only is the bowel spasm machine the most inhumane weapon ever, but it won't achieve the desired effect of winning a battle, let alone a war. The spooks haven't figured that in order to win battles and wars you must clear the enemy from the field and take them prisoner. No one, not even the bug-eyed weapons spooks, would want to get near millions of stinky, cramped up, excrement smeared individuals. The bowel-spasm machine is truly typical of how the government wastes time and money.

Now the white smocks are thinking of throwing millions of dollars and untold study hours at a project called "Put the Enemy to Sleep/Keep the Enemy From Sleeping." It calls for using microwaves, acoustics and brain-wave manipulation to alter the sleeping habits of enemy soldiers. I guess the object is to keep them from sleeping until they get so tired they must fall asleep, leaving key positions unwatched.

I like the idea. When their guys are sleeping, they won't be trying to kill our guys, and our brave lads and lasses will be able to go through the pockets of sleeping foes to look for spare change and drugs. However, as usual, the weapons nuts are taking a simple concept and complicating it way beyond what is necessary and financially prudent.

Every night, millions of Americans lie in bed tossing and turning and staring at ceilings while wishing desperately for oblivious, forgetful sleep. These suffering masses go sleepless without the help of expensive acoustic machines, microwaves or brain wave manipulators. They are awake with worry about their jobs, about which good friend, neighbor or relative their spouse is carrying on with, about how old they'll be when they finally pay off their credit card bills.

It doesn't take expensive gadgets to keep people from sleeping. The researchers should save their time and money. If, in our next war or police action, they need to keep the enemy from sleeping, here are simple and inexpensive ways to do it:

  • Parachute America's bosses behind enemy lines and have them spout their ideas for work and life. Those listeners who don't die laughing will lie awake fuming about the abusive blowhards and what jerks they are.

  • Use sports against them. All humans are alike, meaning we're hopelessly shallow fools who tie our personal happiness to the success or failure of sports teams. Drop pamphlets behind enemy lines alleging that star players on all of their teams are injured or holding out for better contracts. Very few will sleep.

  • Get them copies of prestigious medical journals. Every issue of these fright sheets presents new medical evidence that says eating and living normally will give you cancer and kill you. Enemy troops will never dig for another root or eat another cabbage without worrying about the lethal liabilities of vegetables.

  • Send them letters from their car mechanics saying that needed repairs are much more extensive and expensive than originally thought.

  • Send them pictures of themselves naked.

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