Weekly Wire
Salt Lake City Weekly Starr Should Subpoena Viagra

JUNE 15, 1998:  Most Americans are yet unaware that President Bill Clinton was one of the first test recipients for the new drug Viagra.

Since his days as governor of Arkansas, Clinton has taken the sex wonder drug after each meal. That explains his huge appetites for white meat, particularly the breast.

OK, we made that up. But with everyone else making stuff up about Clinton, we thought, what the heck, let's have some fun, too.

Viagra, of course, has been making a lot of headlines lately for being the wonder impotence drug for males. Take a little Viagra and you're off to the races, so to speak. A true story out of Garden City, New York, is that of a 61-year-old woman who is suing the company because it has turned her 70-year-old boyfriend into a whoremonger, she alleges.

In the suit, the woman noted that her estranged boyfriend now dates lots of women and thinks he's a young stud trapped in an old man's body. Look out, Brooklyn!

The truth is, the president needs Viagra like Dennis Rodman needs another tattoo. We're unclear, however, on whether the Worm should take Viagra. His sexual orientation could become even more confused—a transvestite with an attitude? Bad as I wanna be on Viagra! Run for cover.

Kenneth Starr, on the other hand, probably could make use of the stud drug. From his puckered lips to his bug eyes, Starr looks like the anal-retentive type who probably lost interest in sex years ago. A good roll in the hay could change his outlook for the better, no doubt. If he's too embarrassed to buy it at the pharmacy, he could just get a grand jury subpoena for some of the little, blue pills. Hey, Kenneth, subpoena this!

Paula Jones' husband might look into Viagra, too. That poor woman simply can't get enough attention. She says the president exposed himself to her in a hotel room. Funny thing, her nose keeps growing and growing. We're pretty sure that has nothing to do with Viagra, though.

We haven't heard much on Viagra from Clinton detractors and moralists like Jerry Falwell and other Moral Majority-types. Wonder how they stand on that?—no pun intended. Did God want old men to have sex like rabbits?

But if women's groups aren't disappointed with Clinton, they surely are bummed out with the new wonder drug. That's because medical insurers will reimburse for Viagra but not for contraception. Go figure.

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