Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

JUNE 29, 1998: 

Run! It's another killer space debris movie! Save the children! An asteroid the size of Texas is hurtling towards Earth. Only Bruce Willis can save us. Does Demi know her spouse has a savior complex?
Prediction: Coincidentally, producer Jerry Bruckheimer was also responsible for The Rock. What will be next? The Volcano? Killer Gravel? Rampaging Rubble?
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Cousin Bette (Jessica Lange) is a conniving spinster, forced to live a life of loneliness and envy. Bette lives in a decadent Paris, a city on the cusp of revolution—the big, nasty, brutal one that happened in the mid-1700s. But before the peasants scream for more bread, the aristocrats must play. And play Bette does, devilishly manipulating the lives of those more attractive than her.
Prediction: First-time film director Des McAnuff has lined up a talented cast, which includes Lange, Elisabeth Shue, and Bob Hoskins. McAnuff has won a boatload of Tonys for his stage work, which includes The Who's Tommy and Big River, proving that he certainly knows how to develop wonderful stage performances. But does McAnuff know the first thing about celluloid, where angle and editing take precedence over big production numbers?
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Eddie Murphy is the man who can talk to the animals, much to his own chagrin, and his new-found ability begins to impinge on his thriving medical practice when all of the animals waddle, hop, and fly to him for help. Hey, it could happen. A menagerie of comic actors, like Chris Rock, Julie Kavner, John Leguizamo, Ellen DeGeneres, and Paul Reubens, lend their voices to this Betty Thomas (Private Parts, The Brady Bunch Movie) directed project.
Prediction: When did Eddie Murphy become a family-movie icon? Why is the Guru always the last to know when Hollywood has slipped into some alternate universe where the same man who made Raw is a role model for the pre-teen set? Which is not to say it won't be good: Murphy's The Nutty Professor was a hoot, Betty Thomas has a knack for edgy yet heart-warming comedy, and talking guinea pigs are always good for a cheap laugh.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

George Clooney, George Clooney, George Clooney in a Steven Soderberg (sex, lies, and videotape) directed adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel about con artists and the cute G-Woman who tries to stop them.
Prediction: Apparently this picture is also out of mind over at Universal. The Guru has seen one, count 'em, one commercial for Out Of Sight, a strange and telling anomaly in this era of hype. Perhaps they know that this flick doesn't stand a chance against yet another comet movie. Or, perhaps their lack of publicity is proof that they know that Get Shorty was a fluke.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

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