Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

Dateline: New Mexico--Postal inspectors in Clovis are trying to determine the origin of an envelope marked "postage paid by Bill Clinton" that leaked a clear fluid and gave two postal workers a rash. The package, and four others like it, were all picked up two weeks ago from a collection box at a Clovis shopping center. The other packages referred to Hillary Clinton and King Fahd of Saudi Arabia. The mysterious fluid has been sent to a local lab for analysis.

Dateline: Japan--Mad scientist alert! Researchers at Osaka University have succeeded in injecting mice embryos with DNA from a bioluminescent jellyfish resulting in the world's first fluorescent mammals. The mice produced from this experiment now glow green under fluorescent light. I'm guessing this one resulted from some drunken bet.

Dateline: Japan--Speaking of our Asian brothers, officials in Japan have banned the release of the American horror hit Scream. The bizarre beheading of a small child in Kobe recently has so unnerved the nation that the film was deemed inappropriate in the current climate. Although there is no connection between the teen slasher flick and the killing, officials feel that it would upset folks in the comparatively crime-free nation.

Dateline: Florida--A Fort Lauderdale, Fla., man pulled off the crime of the century when he committed a string of bank robberies on Monday in order to make a court-ordered victim restitution payment to his parole officer on Tuesday. Amazingly enough, the man was nabbed and sent back to jail.

Dateline: Florida--Speaking of our Southern brothers, police in Clearwater, Fla., arrested a man on drunken driving charges after spotting his car apparently being driven by a 3 1/2 foot iguana. The man's green iguana was propped up in the driver's seat with his front claws on the steering wheel. The man was crouched down in the seat manipulating the pedals and holding the wheel. Makes sense to me. The lizard was the designated driver.

Dateline: Russia--First, Russian Prez Boris Yeltsin suggested removing Lenin's body from Red Square and burying it once and for all. Now, ultranationalist Vladimir Zhirinovsky has taken the idea one step further. Zhirinovsky has proposed purchasing Lenin's preserved corpse from the Kremlin and taking it on a money-making "farewell tour" of the country. Hey, if the Rolling Stones can do it.

Dateline: Belgium--Belgium's Sabena Airlines reported that "fluids" draining from an improperly sealed three-month-old corpse being shipped in the luggage compartment soiled some 50 suitcases on the Nice to Brussels flight. And how was your day?

--compiled by Devin D. O'Leary




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