Musical Prescriptions for a bachelor's successful swingledom.
By Chris Hoover
JULY 20, 1998:
A refined bard by the name of R. Kelly said it best: "I don't see nothing wrong with a little bit of bump 'n' grind." Nevertheless, the only thing "wrong" in this sensual equation would be inappropriate tunes.
Music - it can make or break the man. When you and your pretty jay are about to stir up a little coitus cocktail, the last thing you want to do is bring out Metallica's Master of Puppets. (Here, the concept of "headbanging" is decidedly a logical fallacy.) Also, ditch Luther Vandross, Celine Dion, Toni Braxton and the rest of the Cheese Hill Gang. Just let them go silently into the night and save yourself a piece of dignity and self-respect. Otherwise, it may be the only piece you'll be getting.
The next obvious choice might be the Motown Musketeers - Marvin Gaye and Barry White along with Isaac "Chef" Hayes. The Pimp Trinity is a wash. Everyone's been there, done that and got the t-shirt ... thrice.
Worry not, gentlemen, let someone with a closet full of 100 percent cotton crew necks provide you with a 10-album prescription guaranteed to turn that drab, minimalist bachelor pad into an Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers Club. Use only as directed.
Urban Hang Suite
Ingredients: Slick arpeggios; lady-killing aplomb; kicked-in-the-nads high notes.
Recommended Usage: Like Maxwell says, when you "just want to get down."
Take With: Your coy mistress.
Rx: Libidinous trip hop.
Ingredients: Heavy layering and humid distortions punctuated with steamy moans.
Recommended Usage: A sweltering summer night.
Take With: Hallucinogens
Rx Melodic dream-pop.
Ingredients Ethereal guitar chords, reflective lyrics with an unobtrusive delivery.
Recommended Usage In low-key situations only: the first few dates, the post-pet-cuddle/smoke, or sliding into 1st or 2nd base.
Take With A best friend's sister, the prospective Mrs., or the Last American Virgin.
4. Manfred Hubler and Siegfried Schwab
Vampyros Lesbos: Sexadelic Dance Party
Rx: German soft-core nasty soundtrack and international classic.
Ingredients: Cheese-laden yet salivating grooves and smutty rhythmic schemes.
Recommended Usage: Because prosthetic fangs just aren't enough.
Take With: Asphyxiation proponents, art-school girls of doom, Marv Albert.
Space-age Bachelor Pad Music
Rx: Future-past lounge Muzak for the jilted generation.
Ingredients: The jazz-tinged paradox of vintage smoothness and new pre-millennial paranoia.
Recommended Usage: After one too many martinis.
Take With: Hepkittens, Betty Page, Judy Jetson.
This Is Hardcore
Rx: Glam, art-house pop with glitzy disco flair.
Ingredients: Jarvis Cocker's droning sexpot voice.
Recommended Usage: While you're wearing polyester and feeling like the fourth Bee Gee.
Take With: Felicity Kendall, any woman who uses an atlas to pick her stage name.
7. Arto Lindsay
Rx: Bossa nova meets drum 'n' bass.
Ingredients: Latin tempo, spicy breakbeats, longing lyrics.
Recommended Usage: When suffering from Antonio Banderas Syndrome.
Take With: Kissing Spiderwomen, Almodovar fans, wayward Flamenco dancers.
8. Al Green
Rx: Smooth, oldest school R&B.
Ingredients: Heart-wrenching lyrics: oh, the desperation, the solitude.
Recommended Usage: When you're "tired of being alone."
Take With Inflate-a-dates; Old Faithful: me, myself and I.
Millions Now Living Will Never Die
Rx: Unclassifiable atmospheric rock.
Ingredients: No vocals to muck up the epic surreal soundscapes.
Recommended Usage: When that Viagra isn't doing the job and you need to concentrate.
Take With: The anxious wife, Helen of Troy, English majors.
10. Dimitri from Paris
Rx: French electronique nouveaux.
Ingredients: Coquettish cadence spiked with glamour-laden fluidity.
Recommended Usage: If date orders lobster.
Take With: Assorted Eurotrash, Francophiles, TCU girls.