Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

AUGUST 3, 1998: 

Dateline: California--What's the best way to celebrate the millennium? Why, with weapons of mass destruction, of course. In the latest issue of the Journal of Pyrotechnics, Dave Caulkins proposes a plan to use Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles (ICBMs) to create the "Mother of all Light Shows." In a recent interview, Caulkins stated, in part, that "these things were built to kill millions of people, but we could use them to amuse millions of people. ... Technically, it's a very simple thing to do." Caulkins hopes to pitch his idea to the White House Millennium Council, a national program set up to celebrate U.S. accomplishments of this century.


Dateline: Nevada--Legal brothels in Carson City, Nev., report a surge in business due to the wonder drug known as Viagra. Men as old as 90 are flocking to brothels like Kitty's Fantasy Ranch, where management is considering hiring an onsite physician to refill prescriptions as needed. On a side note, 16 men have reportedly died as an indirect result of taking Viagra--many of them elderly gents who couldn't handle the sexual exertion the drug enabled.


Dateline: Virginia--The Environmental Protection Agency is investigating a batch of irradiated cookery that was sent to the Navy. The 38 pots, made of cobalt-60, were found to be mildly contaminated with radiation. Representatives of the EPA said tracking the metal's origin would be difficult. "This never would have been detected but for the fact that we have a nuclear Navy," said EPA investigator Bill Steuteville. "There never was a threat--that we know of."


Dateline: Connecticut--A 10-year-old Naugatuck, Conn., boy who accidentally thwacked a teammate in the head with a baseball bat is being sued for damages. Michael Albert, who was eight years old at the time of the crime, carried a bat into the dugout--a Little League no-no--and struck Brittany Gauvin, who was also eight years old at the time, while warming up for a Union City Little League game. Gauvin suffered head trauma, dizziness, swelling and short-term memory loss. The lawsuit seeks money for past and future medical expenses. The Union City Little League is also being sued for negligence.


Dateline: West Virginia--Apparently reminiscent of his role as stoned-out beatnik Maynard G. Krebs on the '60s TV show "Dobie Gillis," actor Bob Denver--better known as the title character on "Gilligan's Island"--was busted at his home in Princeton, W.Va., for possession of marijuana. In a covert sting operation, authorities in Pueblo, Colo., notified police in West Virginia of a package addressed to Mr. Denver containing marijuana. After the delivery, police executed a search warrant and discovered about 10 grams of pot in Denver's home. Denver, 63, who faces up to six months in jail, was described as "very apologetic over the incident and remorseful."


Dateline: Michigan--Dr. Jack Kevorkian, always a laugh riot, has opened a one-stop-shop for assisted suicide and, now, organ harvesting. The good doctor, who has acknowledged taking part in more than 100 suicides, has a pair of kidneys available for donation. After helping a 45-year-old quadriplegic take his own life in Southfield, Mich., Kevorkian and pals dug into the corpse and retrieved the man's healthy kidneys. About the medical bureaucracy that questions his unconventional actions, Kevorkian said: "They're calling this unethical, just like they call everything unethical. The odds of (the kidneys) being used are nil." For interested parties, the organs are available on a first-come, first-serve basis.

--compiled by Noah Masterson


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