Odds & Ends
By Devin D. O'Leary
AUGUST 3, 1998:
Dateline: California--What's the best way to celebrate
the millennium? Why, with weapons of mass destruction, of course.
In the latest issue of the Journal of Pyrotechnics, Dave
Caulkins proposes a plan to use Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles
(ICBMs) to create the "Mother of all Light Shows." In
a recent interview, Caulkins stated, in part, that "these
things were built to kill millions of people, but we could use
them to amuse millions of people. ... Technically, it's a very
simple thing to do." Caulkins hopes to pitch his idea to
the White House Millennium Council, a national program set up
to celebrate U.S. accomplishments of this century.
Dateline: Nevada--Legal brothels in Carson City, Nev.,
report a surge in business due to the wonder drug known as Viagra.
Men as old as 90 are flocking to brothels like Kitty's Fantasy
Ranch, where management is considering hiring an onsite physician
to refill prescriptions as needed. On a side note, 16 men have
reportedly died as an indirect result of taking Viagra--many of
them elderly gents who couldn't handle the sexual exertion the
Dateline: Virginia--The Environmental Protection Agency
is investigating a batch of irradiated cookery that was sent to
the Navy. The 38 pots, made of cobalt-60, were found to be mildly
contaminated with radiation. Representatives of the EPA said tracking
the metal's origin would be difficult. "This never would
have been detected but for the fact that we have a nuclear Navy,"
said EPA investigator Bill Steuteville. "There never was
a threat--that we know of."
Dateline: Connecticut--A 10-year-old Naugatuck, Conn.,
boy who accidentally thwacked a teammate in the head with a baseball
bat is being sued for damages. Michael Albert, who was eight years
old at the time of the crime, carried a bat into the dugout--a
Little League no-no--and struck Brittany Gauvin, who was also
eight years old at the time, while warming up for a Union City
Little League game. Gauvin suffered head trauma, dizziness, swelling
and short-term memory loss. The lawsuit seeks money for past and
future medical expenses. The Union City Little League is also
being sued for negligence.
Dateline: West Virginia--Apparently reminiscent of his
role as stoned-out beatnik Maynard G. Krebs on the '60s TV show
"Dobie Gillis," actor Bob Denver--better known as the
title character on "Gilligan's Island"--was busted at
his home in Princeton, W.Va., for possession of marijuana. In
a covert sting operation, authorities in Pueblo, Colo., notified
police in West Virginia of a package addressed to Mr. Denver containing
marijuana. After the delivery, police executed a search warrant
and discovered about 10 grams of pot in Denver's home. Denver,
63, who faces up to six months in jail, was described as "very
apologetic over the incident and remorseful."
Dateline: Michigan--Dr. Jack Kevorkian, always a laugh
riot, has opened a one-stop-shop for assisted suicide and, now,
organ harvesting. The good doctor, who has acknowledged taking
part in more than 100 suicides, has a pair of kidneys available
for donation. After helping a 45-year-old quadriplegic take his
own life in Southfield, Mich., Kevorkian and pals dug into the
corpse and retrieved the man's healthy kidneys. About the medical
bureaucracy that questions his unconventional actions, Kevorkian
said: "They're calling this unethical, just like they call
everything unethical. The odds of (the kidneys) being used are
nil." For interested parties, the organs are available on
a first-come, first-serve basis.
--compiled by Noah Masterson