Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

AUGUST 11, 1997:  Dateline: Yemen--America's National Aeronautics and Space Administration narrowly avoided a major lawsuit soon after landing on the surface of Mars. Three Yemeni men filed suit against NASA, claiming that they had inherited the red planet 3,000 years ago from an ancient ancestor. The three men wanted NASA's Mars Rover to immediately cease all activities on their planet. The suit was quickly withdrawn when the Prosecutor General of Yemen threatened to arrest the men for fraud.

Dateline: Canada--A Montreal woman tried to kill her husband by spreading peanut butter all over his face. The man, who suffers from a severe nut allergy, avoided serious injuries by immediately injecting himself with remedy medicine.

Dateline: South Africa--An armed robber fleeing police made the mistake of his life when he accidentally jumped the fence to the gorilla pen at the Johannesburg Zoo. The pen's 418-pound resident didn't take too kindly to the intrusion. When the smoke cleared, the damage was tallied. Max the Gorilla: shot twice, recovering well. The armed robber: shot in the hip by police, in stable condition. The two police officers: attacked by a raging gorilla, hospitalized in stable condition.

Dateline: Iowa--Not a day passes when someone in America can't think of an even weirder crime to commit than the one that cropped up yesterday. In recent weeks, some oddball criminals have bobbed the tails of at least seven horses in the Iowa City area. No word on who might be committing the crimes or why. Speculation ranges from evil wig-makers to that standard scapegoat, Satan worshippers. Since it takes years for horses to grow a tail back, owners have taken to weaving denim strips onto the de-tailed equines' buzz-cut behinds.

Dateline: California--I guess you could call the city council in Berkeley politically correct. But there's PC and then there's PC. Apparently, the high-minded politicos in Berkeley have boycotted everything from 3M Post-It Notes to NEC computers because of ethical objections regarding those companies. Two weeks ago, the council voted not to do business with every major gas company in America. City employees are now joking that Berkeley will have to start its own off shore drilling operation in order to fuel municipal vehicles.

Dateline: Illinois--Bernie Carson has accused P.T.'s Show Club in Belleville, Ill., of negligence and stripper Busty Heart of assault and battery. Carson has filed suit claiming that the "gifted" performer slammed her 88-inch breasts into his head and neck, causing "emotional distress, mental anguish and indignity." The $200,000 lawsuit states that Carson was "bruised, contused, lacerated and made sore" by Heart's breasts, which reportedly weigh in at 40 pounds apiece.

--compiled by Devin D. O'Leary


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