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Weekly Alibi Naked Into the Millenium

Playboy's Solution to the Y2K Problem

By Michael Henningsen

AUGUST 17, 1998:  So a bunch of computers are going to have their brains scrambled like so many ill-fated frogs that find their way into high school biology classrooms. So a few missiles might spontaneously leave their silos. So some stoplights might malfunction (like Albuquerque drivers would even notice). So freakin' what! I'm so sick of hearing about the "Y2K Problem" and the "Millennium Bug" that I'm willing to entertain any opportunity for distraction. Especially if such an opportunity involves naked women and big tour busses.

Enter Playboy Enterprises Inc. For 43 years now, Hugh & The Gang have produced what the Christian Coalition calls smut, some feminist groups call exploitation and what more men than would likely admit to call entertainment. Most of the latter belong to the group I like to call "article connoisseurs."

In the midst of all the apocalyptic nonsense being spread about the impending computer meltdown, the folks at Playboy have more important things to do than worry themselves over the confusion of a few million microchips. More important things, even, than sitting by the pool, sipping tall drinks adorned with fruit and umbrellas delivered to them by Bunnies. They're busy looking for the girls whose naked photos will get us dirty old men over the hump, so to speak.

To that end, Playboy magazine is conducting a six-month nationwide search for the best T&A in America. And Albuquerque happened to be a bus stop along the way this past week. The overblown black tour bus features many attributes akin both to the date rape vans of the '70s and '80s and the, um, physical characteristics of its namesake's "readers." A few excerpts from the detailed press info sheet: The Playmate 2000 Search Bus ... "stretches 45 feet long and 14 feet high," "is wrapped in 1,300 square feet of black latex," "has a crankshaft that is five feet long," "has 120 square feet of mirrored ceiling," "boasts (boasts?) 400 square feet of carpeting" and, no shit, "has a large snapping bra that hangs on the front." Wow! To hell with Greyhound, I want to ride on that bus!

The premise behind the tour is, of course, to find sexy skin to sate many a "cultured" male. Out of the thousands of consenting females 18 and older having their booties photographed, one will be chosen "Playmate of the Month" in the January 2000 issue of Playboy magazine. She'll also win $200,000, which should go a long way in reconfiguring her computer for the new millennium should she be so inclined.

So maybe Y2K will turn out to be disastrous. So what. All it means is I won't be able to renew my subscription online. But if Playboy isn't worried about Y2K, why should I be? I have yet to read a single article on the subject in the publication (which is not to say there hasn't been one). Incidentally, 2000 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit.


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