Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Straw Poll Promises

By Cap'n O

AUGUST 30, 1999:  Now that the results are in from the straw poll in Ames, Iowa, it has become obvious what New Mexico and the other 49 states should be doing. We should hold our own straw polls. In order to get the jump on Texas or Rhode Island, I propose that the New Mexico straw poll be held this Saturday in Belen. There are several good reasons for the candidates to want to come here and spend lots of money in the state to get our residents and all their relatives to buy $25 ballots with the names of candidates on them.

First, even though most of us here in New Mexico don't have a spare $25 to spend, the rules allow the candidates to buy them for us. And this state's high unemployment rate ensures that many of our citizens, from all over the state, will have the leisure time to travel to Belen for the day.

In the second place, New Mexico is a much more appropriate place to test candidates than Iowa ever could be. We are more diverse, for one thing. Instead of an entire population that subsists on huge loaves of rye bread soaked in bacon grease, people here consume a varied menu that includes plenty of green chile and herbal teas. Like Iowa, we have many farmers, and our major cities, like those in Iowa, are provincial and lack economic opportunities. Even more attractive to the candidates will be our low level of education and literacy, making us more receptive than Iowans to the ridiculous promises and petty claims of politicians.

The third and most significant reason to hold the event in New Mexico is so that I can run for president. Up to now the airlines have been unwilling to give me free trips around the United States to get my message out -- where is campaign finance reform when you really need it? -- and so far the television networks are refusing my public service announcements. (All of a sudden Hollywood is concerned about good taste. What hypocrites!) However, if the national press corps can be lured to Belen for a straw poll, they will help me get my message out. I'm sure that my good pals, Tim Russert, Cokie Roberts and Roger Rosenblatt, will want me on a satellite hookup to comment on the failings of the other candidates. John McLaughlin will be begging me to appear on "One on One." I'll do it, but just as a favor because nobody watches it.

They will all want to hear what I think is wrong with the other candidates, but I intend to take the high road. I'm going to focus on issues. I have some real plans to improve the United States for future generations. I intend to erect compounds on mountain tops and distant offshore islands to remove lawbreakers from the view of the public, thereby reducing the annoyance and endangerment of the public. Why should we spend money to maintain these incorrigibles for long periods of time? Let them fight among themselves. I will reform welfare by building family residences for the non-working poor around bomb silos, so they can earn their keep by guarding our weapons systems.

Tax reform is an easy one. Rather than taxing the wealthy, and thus ambition, imagination, talent and hard work, I propose to tax the poor. I'll have an inverse tax. That is, the lower your annual earnings, the higher your tax. That'll be an incentive for lazy good-for-nothings to lift their wide loads out of their chairs and enroll in the nearest MBA program.

Old people won't have to worry about being bored in their old age. I'll have them cleaning up toxic waste dumps. That'll head off any Medicare deficit, because if the geezers are cleaning up toxic waste dumps, chances are they'll go quickly without suffering illnesses that will suck Medicare dry.

I will never soil the Oval Office with the stench of an adulterous affair. I promise to do my extramarital fornicating at cheap motels, on barroom floors and on top of restaurant tables.

I can truthfully say that I have no recollection of ever having taken cocaine, have never been caught cheating on a test and have never once been hospitalized for overdosing on anti-psychotic medication.

Where a need exists, I will see that is fulfilled. A chicken in every pot? No! I say a cigar in every...

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