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Weekly Alibi Would You Like Some More Bob?

"The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook"

By Steven Robert Allen

SEPTEMBER 13, 1999: 

From Soup to Nuts: The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook by Omnivorous (as told to Jon Macks) (Simon & Schuster, hardcover, $12)

It's been a long, trying summer. At this point, pretty much everyone is running out of creative barbecuing ideas. Are you tired of those bland burgers? Sick of those run-of-the-mill steaks? Weary of those boring hotdogs and baby back ribs? Well, have I got a solution for you. Here's a tasty recipe from a new cookbook that just hit the stands this month.

From Soup to Nuts: The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook by Omnivorous (as told to Jon Macks) is God's answer to the true meat lover's most passionate prayers. Dictated by Omnivorous, a cannibal who for fairly obvious legal reasons refuses to reveal his real name, this innovative cookbook is chock full of useful suggestions for how to prepare your fellow man for dinner.

Omnivorous begins with a fascinating history of cannibalism, then quickly moves on to discuss a wide range of cannibal concerns, from choosing the right cut of meat to expanding your basic kitchen utensil collection to include the electric hacksaw and baseball bat (for tenderizing).

Subsequent sections contain delicious recipes for every course. You'll find tasty, creative dishes such as Menestrone, Spanish Meatballs and Pinkies in a Blanket. I can tell you from firsthand experience that Omnivorous' recipe for muscles is out of this world. Likewise, several people have told me that you haven't truly lived until you've tried his Roasted Leg of Lucy with Garlic Guava Glaze.

Mmmm, mmmm. Finger lickin' good.

For those of you who don't have time to cook a full multicourse meal, From Soup to Nuts offers many quick and easy alternatives to slaving for hours over a hot, blood-drenched stove. Take your taste buds for a test drive with this tasty Shish Kabob dish.


Yummy!

Yet From Soup to Nuts is more than simply a collection of fine recipes. It's actually a detailed guide for living the cannibal lifestyle to its fullest. The book contains special sections on how to be a kosher cannibal, as well as some wise advice for cannibals on low calorie diets. It's got tips on preparing holiday meals for your family and friends, along with cooking suggestions for the busy cannibal "soccer mom." Omnivorous even spinkles in a bit of his down home cannibal outlook on life to add a little extra kick of flavor.

From Soup to Nuts would make the perfect gift for a cherished cannibal comrade. Let him know he's special. Give him this book. And for all those self-righteous bastards who view cannibalism with skepticism or even disgust, From Soup to Nuts provides several perfectly rational justifications for choosing cannibalism as a way of life. As Omnivorous notes at the end of his book, you are what you eat, my tender little friends. You are what you eat. (Simon & Schuster, hardcover, $12)


Shish Kabob

  • 4 large tomatoes
  • 4 onions
  • 2 green peppers
  • 2 red peppers
  • 16 skewers
  • Salt and pepper
  • 4 pounds of Bob
Instructions: Slice the tomatoes, peppers and onions into small chunks. Remove 4 pounds of meat from the flank of Bob. Dice the meat into 1-inch cubes. Take the skewers and alternate pieces of Bob with the vegetables. The ratio should be 2 pieces of vegetable for 1 piece of Bob.


Two Thumbs Up Academy Award Night Snack

  • 60 thumbs
  • Melted butter
  • Oil
  • Salt
Instructions: Take the thumbs and put them in an Orville Redenbacher popcorn maker. Melt the butter. When the thumbs are popped, cover with oil, lightly salt, and serve.


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