Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

SEPTEMBER 20, 1999: 

Martin Lawrence poses as a cop and goes in search of a missing rock.
Prediction: Since I have finally learned to say nothing if nothing nice can be said, I shall sit here with the six-inch piece of duct tape over my mouth. Won't hear a peep from me. Nope. Not one.
Probable Entertainment Value: E

A Canadian screwball lesbian comedy that should appeal to straights, except for that one scene with the sex toys. Oh, great. Now every straight male in a 12-mile radius will be flocking to the theater to see what is actually "a girl-meets-girl and finds complications" story.
Prediction: Critics have been mixed. It's either the worst thing ever committed to film or the best. All depends on your tolerance for wacky comedies of any ilk, I suppose.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Kevin Costner makes another baseball movie. Hold me back.
Prediction: Gosh, it sure is quiet in here, isn't it?
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Pakistani cab driver Om Puri moves his family to England, only to discover that people can still be pretty crummy, regardless of latitude. Rachel Griffiths is one of the prostitutes he shuttles about from john to john and she helps him attempt to move past his existential angst—and the fact that his son is an Islamic fundamentalist.
Prediction: The script should be solid—since it is written by the wonderful Hanif Kureishi (My Beautiful Laundrette, Sammy and Rosie Get Laid). There was no big-budget Hollywood producer hanging around to muck the whole thing up. And Rachel Griffiths is always a joy to watch.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

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