Ok, so during a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account! Ba-dum-dum. Ok, so this old man was worried about his wife's hearing which seemed to be getting worse and worse. So one night he decided to test just how bad it was. When he walked in the door, he called out "honey, what's for dinner?" but there was no response. So he walked to the doorway of the kitchen and said a little louder "honey, what's for dinner?" But she still didn't answer. So he walked right up behind her and asked even louder, "honey, what's for dinner?" She turned around and said "for the THIRD time, its meatloaf." Ok, so this guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Good, then get your own damn blanket." Ok, so these three psychotic guys are at the doctor for a brain test. The doctor asks the first man, "Nathan, what is three times three?" Nathan answers "274." The doctor then says to the second man "Ok, Zachary, it's your turn. What's three times three?" "Tuesday" replies Zachary. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Wil, same question. What's three times three?" "Nine," says Wil. "That's great," says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple" says Wil. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." Ok, so a man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" Ok, so these three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No way!" So the first guy orders a beer, drinks it, and all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, and he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go back into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I'll be able to fly now." So they all go outside and the second guy jumps off the cliff and falls to the bottom, where he hits the ground and dies instantly. The third guy turns to the first guy and says "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you drink." Ok, so this young man goes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why do you ask?" "Well," the man says, "I'm afraid both my parents are going senile. Take last night for example. My mother wanted some ice cream, and my father said he'd run out to the store for her. "Let me write down what I want," she said "so you don't forget." But he wouldn't let her and swore he'd remember. So she says "Ok, I want 2 scoops of strawberry in a cone." He says "No problem" and leaves. When he comes back half an hour later he hands her a bag. "What!" she screams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger." Ok, so two programmers were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No stupid! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought and bickered back and forth. Two hours later they were both killed by a train. Ba-dum-dum. Ok, so a duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" The bartender says no and the duck walks out. The duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" The bartender says no. The duck walks out. The duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" The duck walks out. The duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" The bartender says no. The duck says "good. Got any crackers?" Ba-dum-dum.