Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

OCTOBER 20, 1997: 

Dateline: Michigan--Police are investigating the appearance of a severed cow's head in Redford Township, Mich., and its possible links to satanic activity in the Detroit suburb. But it seems the potential devil worshippers love their Big Macs and fries, as the bovine melon was found atop the drive-thru speaker of the local McDonald's. No word on whether animal rights activists or those simply in favor of better burgers are being investigated as well.

Dateline: Israel--Yitzhak Rabin's assassin, held in a Jerusalem prison, went hungry for three days over the recent Rosh Hashanah holiday, the Jewish new year. But prison authorities said the withholding of food wasn't intended as punishment for Yigal Amir, the 27-year-old assassin who is serving a life sentence for the November 1995 killing. The prison guard who normally brought Amir his meal's took a vacation for the holiday, and the prison forgot to assign a replacement.

Dateline: Colombia--More than 1,000 people have been treated for eye irritation and other ailments after a major "garbageslide" in Bogotá. A mountain consisting of some 800,000 tons collapsed at the capitol city's main dump, blocking a river and unleashing a smell that has made life intolerable for hundreds of thousands of residents in Bogotá's poor southern neighborhoods.

Dateline: Illinois--I believe the superintendent of the Evanston, Ill., school district can expect to have his house liberally covered in eggs and toilet paper this Halloween. Seems the evil dictator has declared that recess is now banned in all Evanston elementary schools. By eliminating the 15-minute play breaks, the superintendent has calculated that the equivalent of eight solid days will be added to each child's school year.

Dateline: North Carolina--Dr. Clifford Kass has come up with a unique promotion to lure more men into his Mooresville, N.C., urology practice. Kass is offering coupons for a free oil change with every vasectomy. Recent ads in the sports section of the Charlotte Observer trumpeted the fall special with the copy: "Time to Winterize ... With the summer winding down and the cold months of winter ahead, wouldn't it be a good time to get that vasectomy you've been thinking about? And while you're at it, treat your car to a little winter 'protection' on me."

Dateline: New York--Stephanie Clark, 41, opened up her teenage daughter's closet looking for a pair of pants but found a two-and-a-half-week-old baby instead. Apparently, 17-year-old Shanta Clark had hidden her pregnancy, given birth and kept the baby in the closet while she continued to go to school. The premature infant weighed only four pounds but was listed in stable condition at Stony Brook University Hospital. Police say Shanta fed and diapered her child every day when she got home from school. The teenage mother has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child. Shanta's mother Stephanie has seven children, aged seven months to 19 years.

--Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary


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