By Scott Phillips

OCTOBER 27, 1997: 

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) This less-than-satisfying installment in the F13 series opens with a couple of morons digging up Jason's grave (remember, our loveable slasher was "killed" at the end of part IV) while little Tommy Jarvis (played once again by Corey Feldman) stares on in horror. Not surprisingly, Jason leaps from his grave and slaughters said morons, then turns his attention toward Tommy--but oh-ho! It's all a dream, and we find Tommy is now grown up and on his way to the local woodland mental institute, thanks to the traumatic experience of burying a machete in Jason's face. At the funny farm, we meet the most unpleasant bunch of characters to pollute the screen in an F13 yet: the Cheesy Blonde Assistant Director of the Institute; the Sullen New-Wave Girl; the Macho Nutcase; the Chocolate-Smeared, Affection-Starved Fat Guy; The Shy-Yet-Horny Stutterer; the Sex-Crazed Teens In Love; and the "Likeable Little Kid." Fortunately for us, the Macho Guy axe-murders the Fat Guy, and the next morning, the Director of the Institute delivers this touching eulogy to the gathered loons: "I know this is hard for all of you ... so let's just have breakfast." Soon, a couple of '50s J.D.-types who have nothing to do with the movie we're watching are hacked up, and the carnage gets rolling. The Sex-Crazed Teens run into the woods for a little forest fornication, and we're treated to what may be the biggest boobs ever to appear in a Friday flick--and strangely enough, we soon see what may be the tiniest boobs, as well. In fact, the gratuitous nudity is about the only thing this installment really delivers on--we even get gratuitous wet-blouse action and the single most gratuitous boob shot I've ever seen. Other, lesser highlights include the obligatory Cat-Scare; the Cheesy Blonde defending herself with a chainsaw; the seldom-seen Bunny-Scare; Tommy doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme on Jason; and the Likeable Little Kid attacking Jason with a front-end loader. While quite stinky, F13 Pt. V is not as hideous as Pt. III, and is definitely worth renting for the scene where the Sullen New-Wave Girl does a goofy robot dance. (Paramount)

Showgirl Murders (1996) OK, I'm gonna catch hell for revealing this, but director "Gene Hertel" is actually Albuquerque's own Dave Payne, director of Not Like Us and much beloved by yours truly for getting TBS' "Dinner and a Movie" hostess Annabelle Gurwitch naked (in a movie, I mean). Unfortunately, this flick just ain't as much fun as NLU, and while Showgirl does star Videodrome fave Maria Ford, she just doesn't compare to Annabelle Gurwitch. The flick opens with Maria drugging her coke-head boyfriend, then stealing his dope and heading to L.A., where she goes to work as a cocktail waitress at a seedy bar run by a loser and his booze-hound wife (who has nightmares about '50s kids with hula hoops). Promising to "bring in two grand a night," Maria convinces the loser to let her handle the "entertainment," and before you can say "Late Night Swingin' Titty Theatre," the seedy bar becomes a seedy strip joint. Things meander along until Maria's (real-life) Corey Feldman-lookin' cheeseball boyfriend shows up, and soon she's got the bar's owner talked into murdering his wife. It's all pretty standard stuff, served up with heaping gobs of nudity, and I tell ya, Maria Ford's strip-club "choreography" is amazingly true-to-life--if I'd been drinking a seven-dollar glass of grape juice, I woulda thought I was in Bob's Classy Lady in Hollywood. Not a particularly outstanding effort from our boy Dave (hence the nom de flick), who is capable of much better--but if you want to see Maria Ford get naked over and over and over you've come to the right place. And Annabelle, if by some bizarre twist of fate you're reading this, I've got a script you'd be perfect for--and you don't even have to get naked (unless you just want to)! (New Horizons)

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