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Weekly Alibi Invasion of the Blood Farmers; Hideous!

By Scott Phillips

NOVEMBER 2, 1998: 

Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972)

The screenwriter of Shriek of the Mutilated brings us this classic of ultra-crappy cinema. Opening with a bit of haunting narration from somebody doing a half-assed James Mason impression, we quickly move to a backroads highway where "Jim Carrey," splattered with blood and swaying like Elvis, staggers into a local bar and drops dead. Elsewhere, a shirtless guy pines for his wife, unaware that, at that very moment, her blood is being drained by a guy in a black KKK hood. Our spit-swappin' heroes, a kneesock-wearin' Brady Girl and her nerd squeeze, are interrupted by the girl's pop, a mad scientist-type professor who explains that Carrey's blood got all fizzy and made him explode like Zotz candy (of course, I'm simplifying the science involved here). Back at the bar, two farmer-guys with gray shoe polish in their hair get their skivvies in a twist when they overhear talk of the scientist's discoveries. One of them spies on the scientist, hoping to report any news back to "Creton," but he's foiled by a big fluffy dog that wants to wrassle. Much to Brady Girl's chagrin, the dog disappears, and we see the film's most horrifying scene, wherein the nerd comforts his worried squeeze by opening wide and lunging lips-first into the camera. The nerd tells Brady Girl's dad that there were bloodstains and signs of a struggle by the river. Obviously well versed in these matters, the old guy replies "Probably woodchucks." A pair of newlyweds arrive in town, but their happiness is cut short when the Blood Farmers attack! They drag the two back to--where else--the Blood Farm, where we finally meet Creton himself, and lemme tell ya', this guy is on fire. On loan from a fifth-rate Shakespeare festival, Creton is leading his Blood Farmers--actually a bunch of Druids--in a quest to revive the "last queen of the Sangroid" by finding a suitable "blood host" (or hoost, as Creton might say). I'd explain this a little better, but to be honest I couldn't figure out what the hell this guy was talking about. Thanks to his Criswell-esque sidekick, Creton discovers that Brady Girl is the perfect blood hoost and the gal is kidnapped and prepared for sacrifice. At a loss, the nerd is forced to call on the local cops for help, and things plunge toward the incredibly inept conclusion. Makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Goodfellas.

Hideous! (1997)

I've never been a big fan of the stuff Full Moon Entertainment produces, simply because most of it is just so damn mediocre, so I was pretty surprised when I stuck this one in the VCR and found myself actually enjoying it. Most of that is thanks to the goofy script by Benjamin Carr, which opens with some sewer workers fishing a four-eyed mutant baby out of the muck. One of the fellows sells the kid to rich-bitch freak-dealer Belinda Yost, who in turn offers it to Napoleon Lazar, a rich collector who only wants the best in malformed merchandise. However, Yost's dimwitted secretary spills the info to rival collector Emilio Lorca, whose good right hand, the saucy and scantily-clad Sheila (Jacqueline Lovell in a cool performance), suggests a plan of action. As Lazar is returning home with his new prize, he comes across a car accident on his private road. When he approaches the vehicle, he is surprised by a gun-wielding Sheila, wearing only boots, hot pants and a gorilla mask (!). Her pert-'n'-bobbling boobs distracted me from the dialogue, but it's safe to assume that Lazar is pretty pissed when she steals the freak-baby. The creature is added to Lorca's collection, where, when left alone, it comes to life and revives several other little mutants. Lazar and Yost go to a private eye, who scares the secretary into giving up Lorca. The four head to Lorca's castle in an attempt to retrieve Lazar's property. However, the mutant babies have their own agenda and break out of their formaldehyde-filled jars, slithering and slopping into the depths of the castle. Lorca tells Lazar that he can have the mutant back--if he doesn't believe that Lorca has the greatest collection of biological oddities in the world. After flipping out over Lorca's big worm, Lazar gives in but asks to see the mutant baby. Once the shattered jars are discovered, it's all pretty much creatures-on-the-loose-in-the-castle, but it's pretty entertaining--and Jacqueline Lovell is waaay easy on the eyes in her hot pants and leather vest sans shirt. Not great, but worth checking out. (Full Moon Entertainment)

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