Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

NOVEMBER 30, 1998: 

The title pretty much says it all. The cute little porker travels to the concrete jungle in order to save the farm. Adventures ensue and our hero continually saves his own bacon.
Prediction: Hopefully, the production team was able to maintain the same understated charm of the original Babe. If they did, this will be a winner. If they descended into the syrupy sweetness of most talking animal flicks, this will be an hour and a half in hell. But your kids will love it.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Call it the anti-Antz. This Pixar-produced project also deals with the quasi-microscopic beasties that make up the great outdoors, but this one is chock-full of sly humor, punchy animation, and CinemaScope. Dave Foley, Kevin Spacey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and David Hyde Pierce (among others) provide the voices for this tale of might and right.
Prediction: Pixar's Toy Story broke new ground in computer animation and this film has allegedly advanced the cutting edge even further. But, beyond that, the voices and sense of spectacle give this film a snap that other animated flicks have been lacking lately.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

It's tough to be royalty—especially if you're chick royalty in the 16th century. Everyone wants to control Queen Elizabeth and uses guile, treachery, and raw power to do so. But our Virgin Queen has more twists than a French purse in this pseudo-biopic that stars Cate Blanchett, Richard Attenborough, Geoffrey Rush, and Christopher Eccleston.
Prediction: I find it frightening that the press kit is full of historical sources, charts of succession, and gobs of sundry research. Hopefully, you can just go and enjoy this artfully made film without a Ph.D. in English History.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Dorian (Luke Wilson), for various familial reasons, decides to kill the pregnant Sally (Drew Barrymore), a fast food worker relegated to the drive-thru window. (Why? It's long and complicated—you don't want to know.) Wonder of wonders, he falls in love with her instead, throwing him into a complex quandary that takes two hours to sort out. Color me surprised.
Prediction: Drew Barrymore is box office gold. A clichéd script just can't stop her—look at the success of Ever After. But are audiences tired of her shtick?
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Have you seen The Jerry Springer Show? Have you seen the E! special Behind-the-Scenes at The Jerry Springer Show? Then you've seen Ringmaster.
Prediction: If Howard Stern can have a hit movie, Jerry Springer can too. But that doesn't mean you'll feel any less dirty.
Probable Entertainment Value: D

Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) was the archetypal '70s glam rock star—sex personified and coke'd to the nines. Slade disappears after a publicity stunt gone wrong and reporter Arthur Stuart (Christian Bale) tries to find out what happened, kind like a warped Citizen Kane. But this flick is more than a who-dunnit; it's also a meditation on imagination and memory with a kick-ass soundtrack.
Prediction: Two words: Ewan McGregor. Three more: Drops his pants. And a sentence: Advance reports from a Metro Pulse staffer who saw Velvet Goldmine in Atlanta indicates that this is one of the better films of the year—fun and engaging and hallucinogenic, but not for everyone.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Yet another movie about yet another bachelor party gone awry. Christian Slater, Daniel Stern, Jeremy Piven, and Jon Favreau accidentally kill a stripper and decide to dispose of the "105-pound problem" in the desert. When will these boys ever learn?
Prediction: One of the best things about Slater's trip to rehab is that he had stopped making movies. Now he's back and modern cinema will never be the same.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

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