Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Solutions for the House Trial

By Cap'n O

DECEMBER 8, 1997:  The reversal of two-time drunken driver Gordon House's vehicular homicide convictions has split the community asunder. Rather than being happy and celebrating our peoplehood, we are spewing hatred and engaging in the ugliest and lowest type of behavior that peoplepersons are capable of: divi- siveness.

The anti-DWI crowd and hard- liners want House to rot in prison for driving drunk on the wrong way of the freeway and killing four people, including three young girls, in a hideous, head-on, family-annihilating crash.

The crystal-gazing crowd and apologists are stomping their soft feet and huffing that prosecutors should drop the charges against House. They believe it's the height of injustice and an act of racism to try to convict and send to prison an Indian who killed four white people.

We must stop fighting and bring ourselves together on this issue. Because the consequences of divisiveness are awful. Not only does this foul behavior soil our souls and shame the species, but even worse, it prevents us from achieving the full potential that God intended for us: the satisfaction of our biological desires.

Many crystal-gazing babes have a lot upstairs, and I'm not talking about their brains. What a pity it would be if sharp political differences prevented conservative men from fondling liberal bosoms. And frumpy gals, wouldn't you rather carry on with a mass of pulsating, conservative muscle rather than with a bereted, rubberband-armed geek who expostulates on Jung and takes your silly rantings seriously? So here are some solutions:

• Keep trying the state's most notorious drunken driver in Taos. This will result in mistrial after mistrial, and the case will go on forever. That's good. Hardliners and radio talk show hosts will be able to pound their chests and shout that justice is being pursued. Liberals will cheer louder at each hung jury and sneer about the immorality of trying to convict somebody who killed four people. Everyone is vindicated, and everyone wins.

• Subject Gordo to capital punishment. That's right; kill him by lethal injection. This is even better for both sides. Once House is dead, the crystal gazers can elevate him to sainthood and the hardliners will be able to spit on his grave. No losers here.

• Try Melanie Cravens and her three daughters--the people who were killed by House--posthumously for the murder of themselves and for violating House's civil rights. It's obvious that the Cravens family would never accept the fact that by obeying the law and driving in the proper lanes of the freeway, they caused poor Gordo to collide with their car and kill them. The civil rights violations come into play because House is an Indian. Cravens and her daughters were white. They caused a minority to kill them. That makes them racist pigs. Gordo should get a big damage award against their estate. This will send liberals into ecstasy. Conservatives will scream that this is wrong. Courts will uphold the liberals. Voters will be sickened and will never elect another Democrat. The hardliners will cheer. Everyone wins.

• Try House before a jury of Indians who have killed people while driving drunk. This will assure House, not of a fair, unbiased jury and not of a jury of his peers or relatives, but of a jury that is biased in his favor and that will acquit him. This will put New Mexico, not on the cutting edge of American law, but in the blood wound of American law. Again, liberals will get wet over this one. Conservatives will scream. But they will benefit by this. Because when they go out and, while in drunken stupors, run over liberals, they will be entitled to a jury of people who have done the exact same thing. This will be good because no one will ever again in this nation be convicted of a crime. Our crime rate will plummet. That will make law-and-order types, especially conservative women who lace themselves up to the neck, gooey.

There's another plan that could bring us all--liberals, judges, cops, conservatives and defense lawyers--together. We can pile ourselves and our families into our cars and drive in the proper lanes of the freeway while Gordo is in his own vehicle on the same stretch of highway.

Any takers?

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