Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

DECEMBER 14, 1998: 

Michael Keaton plays Jack Frost, a struggling musician and all-around great dad. Just when he decides to give up life on the road to stay home with his family, WHAMMO! He's mushed flat in a car wreck. Thank the good Lord his son plays his magic harmonica which brings Jack back from the dead—AS A SNOWMAN!!! (If it'd been summer, he'd probably would've been a scarecrow, but that would've blown the whole terribly clever title tie-in...unless, of course, you had a scarecrow named "Jack Frost," but, naaaaah, never mind.)
Prediction: Good sweet mother of God. Didn't "high concept" go out in the '80s? Haven't we been an obedient audience? What did we do to deserve this? In the name of all that is good on this Earth, let the madness stop.
Probable Entertainment Value: E

The crew of the Enterprise must stop an alien with a really bad facelift (F. Murray Abraham) from destroying an entire world in his quest for the fountain of youth...or something like that.
Prediction: Another pulse-pounding adventure with the politest ship... zzzzz... in the ... galaxy (yawn) ... make it so... Zzzzzzzzzz...
Probable Entertainment Value: C

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