Illustrations by Marty Granius and Tim Toonen

DECEMBER 21, 1998: 

You try, Nashville.

You buy every kind of pro sports team, while turning a deaf ear to schools and teachers. You pump money into arenas and stadiums, while letting historic buildings fall like dominoes. You maintain a brave face, while tourists stay away in droves and Music Row gets fidgety. No matter what you do, though, one fact remains.

Nashville, you can't hide your Boners.

So step over the carcass of our afternoon daily, ramble through the tornado- demolished detritus of East Nashville, pull up a ratty chair from some crumbling old apartment building, and take a gander at 1998's compendium of civic goofs, gaffes, and groaners. Laugh, everybody, laugh, because crying musses up your dry cleaning.

Ladies and germs, we give you our Boners:

Angry Boners Boners at School Boners for All to See Cops and Boners Boners in the Workplace Honky-Tonk Boners Official Boners

Litigious Boners Roll Your Own Boners Dog Boners Boners in the Media Boner's Boners Test Your Boner I.Q.

Angry Boners

One Way to Deal With Irregularity

Sixty-five-year-old James R. Harless took a baseball bat and fatally injured his 73-year-old friend William Roy Blaylock at the Nolensville Road White Castle. Blaylock allegedly made fun of Harless by saying that Harless' egg sandwich was somehow "irregular." The bat-wielding Harless was described by White Castle shift manager Amy Binkley as "just a pain in the butt."

With Entertainment Like This, Who Needs a Carousel?

A naked woman was wrestled into a patrol car and arrested in Riverfront Park, and was given a two-week sentence after she tried to kick out the back window of the patrol car. The woman, Karen Brasher, maintained that she was a medical technician who was living on the streets in order to write a book about the experience, and had been robbed of her clothes.

Elvis Has Left the Hearing

One Elvis Presley, 19, was busted by Putnam County police on charges that he stole and wrecked a Ford Explorer during a drunken joyride. Deadpanned Sheriff Jerry Abston, "He's not singing 'Jailhouse Rock.' "

Meet Surly Spice!

Michael Campbell, a 21-year-old Lebanon man, was accused of attempted criminal homicide in July after the Spice Girls concert at Starwood Amphitheatre. Campbell, who had front-row tickets to the show, decided to leave the concert after he was almost removed by security for rowdy behavior. As Campbell got into his car to drive away, an off-duty policeman working security, Sgt. David Liles, thought Campbell seemed intoxicated and tried to stop him. Instead, Campbell drove off with Liles hanging on and dragged the officer several yards through the parking lot. Liles, who was wearing a bicycle officer's short-pants uniform, was treated for a minor leg injury. Campbell sped away and later tried to run down two officers in a nearby subdivision, getting shot in the arm in the process.

Boners at School

Today's Geography Lesson Find the Cayman Islands

Headmistress Barbara Bachman of the tony and trendy Phoenix School allegedly used hundreds of thousands of dollars of school funds to buy and furnish her Brentwood mansion, and when the money ran out, she headed for the Cayman Islands. After fighting deportation for several weeks, Bachman had her passport seized and was sent back to the U.S. to face fraud charges.

Once Again, Life Imitates Pro Wrestling

An already contentious Wilson County school board meeting triggered a fistfight between safety director Gary Nokes and school board member John Clemmons. Nokes, who learned at the meeting he was one of four people not being rehired for the coming school year, said Clemmons was "belittling" another employee whose contract wasn't renewed. After much shouting and finger-pointing, the two men carried the fight outside--much to the embarrassment of other board members. "People get upset," said one, "but most adults can control their emotions."

If We Wanted Your Opinion, We'd Give It to You

Jayah Kawa, the Hunters Lane High School junior class president, said he was reprimanded by principal Julie Williams for remarks he made at a student forum sponsored in March by Mayor Phil Bredesen and his crime commission. After Kawa commented that school officials should worry less about dress codes and more about drugs in school bathrooms, he said Williams, who is also black, banned him as a school representative and told him he had been "brainwashed by middle-class white people." For her part, Williams said she had asked the student council sponsor whether Kawa needed to be removed as an outside representative, but that was before she talked to him personally. The final irony The remarks that got Kawa in hot water were made at Vanderbilt's Freedom Forum First Amendment Center--a site dedicated to upholding free speech.

Only Fourscore and Seven People Tuned in Anyway

Metro school bus driver Dennis Boggs felt the need to take a day off from work to protest an issue close to his heart. It was not abortion rights, capital punishment, or any other hot-button issue, but the airing of the lame Lincoln-era political spoof The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer. Boggs marched up and down in front of the studios of local UPN affiliate WUXP-Channel 30, which airs the show locally. In his spare time, Boggs enjoys dressing as Lincoln.

"And While I've Got You on the Line, How Much Would I Be Worth if I Killed Somebody?"

Thomas Feitus of Memphis phoned Crime Stoppers with a hot tip on a burglary. When asked how he knew so much about it, he confessed that he had committed it, and eagerly wanted to know how much he would get from Crime Stoppers for turning himself in. He was arrested five minutes later, charged with theft and public intoxication.

Boners for All to See

Can't See Forrest for the Trees

Not-at-all-retro-racist organization the League of the South unveiled sculptor Jack Kershaw's not-at-all gaudy rendering of Confederate general and KKK founder Nathan Bedford Forrest at a private park alongside I-65 in southern Davidson County. Previously, state highway crews had cleared trees from public land so the park, which is on private land, would be clearly visible to passing motorists. Whether they like It or not.

Good Thing June Lockhart Wasn't on the Truck

A 10-foot-tall replica of the Lost in Space robot, bound for an Ohio theme restaurant called The Galaxy, was kidnapped from the truckbed as the driver slept in a Manchester motel. The robot, most famous for intoning, "Danger, Will Robinson," was found several days later dumped in a nearby creekbed, where a passersby had mistaken it for a washing machine tub.

Cops and Boners

But They Did It So Cost-Effectively

Nashville-based Corrections Corporation of America saw the bars clang shut this year on its hopes to privatize Tennessee's prisons, after grim reports began flooding in from a CCA prison in Ohio. In just 14 months of operation, a 1,700-inmate facility had 13 stabbings, two of them lethal. To make matters worse, while Tennessee legislators were considering CCA's proposal, five convicted murderers escaped from the prison.

Good Thing He Didn't Ask for Simoleons

A would-be robber went into a Knoxville convenience store and asked the clerk for "greenbacks." The puzzled clerk didn't understand the slang term, so the robber shoved her aside and fumbled around trying to open the cash register for himself. The clerk called 911 and bonked him with an ashtray. A half hour later he tried to hold up another store, this time being more clear "Put the cash in a fanny pack." He escaped with $33.

Does Andy Shookhoff Still Have a Key to the Office?

Shortly after taking office, new Juvenile Court Judge Betty Adams Green had her wallet stolen from her office while she led the Davidson County Grand Jury on a tour of the Juvenile Justice Center.

What Part of "Garage" Don't You Understand?

A car thief broke into Stem's Garage in Murfreesboro and attempted to hotwire a 1991 Toyota 4x4 pickup. However, the truck was in the shop because it didn't run, leaving the thief to flee on foot.

Hey, if It Worked for Bill Clinton...

Former amateur boxer Jeffrey Womble and his wife, Christian, were hauled into Metro night court in April, ending a three-month crime spree of breaking car windows to steal credit cards and other items. At their arraignment, Womble, who wasn't wearing underwear and kept hitching up his pants, tried out his defense on reporters "We might have done one or two, but not all of it."

Be on the Lookout for a Suspect With a Little Bitty Weapon

Last March, in the midst of 12-degree weather, a man walked into a convenience store in White House wearing nothing but a windbreaker. After buying a pack of cigarettes, he ran outside to a new truck and sped off. A police officer tried to give chase, but the streaker got away. Said a market employee to the Tennessean, "I hope he had the heater on."

News That Should Make Every Rutherford Countian Feel Safer

Two Murfreesboro police officers, J.H. Wyatt and Michelle Ratleph, were inconvenienced by crooks after a stop at a convenience store. After a 10-minute visit inside the store, the policemen returned to their patrol car to discover that thieves had made off with $175 worth of personal items and official flashlights.

Did Somebody Say McDumbass?

Murfreesboro police were summoned last spring on a domestic violence call to the drive-through window of the Southeast Broad Street McDonald's. There, police found a couple identified only as "Martin" and "Linda" arguing over what to order. The argument started when Martin wanted a Big Mac, but Linda said the Quarter Pounder was the better deal. Enraged, Martin pounded the dashboard and insisted on the Big Mac. No charges were filed. The world resumed turning on its axis.

My Bladder Will Go On

In February, a Putnam County judge sentenced a Cookeville teen to 100 hours of cleaning toilets at the Putnam Justice Center. The 15-year-old's crime After drinking with a friend, he went to see Titanic at the Highland 10 Cinema. Not wanting to leave the three-hour drama for an instant to use the restroom, he urinated on some theater seats.

Belle Merde

A citywide outcry erupted in October after McGavock High School math teacher Don Harris attempted to make a citizen's arrest of a Belle Meade police officer, Alex Binkley, who sped past him on Briley Parkway. When Harris pulled Binkley over, Binkley responded by calling a Metro police officer, Mike Nieves, who slammed Harris with a $500 reckless driving citation. The ensuing uproar flooded the Belle Meade police department with unwanted media attention and made a minor folk hero out of Harris. Judge Leon Ruben later threw out both Harris' and Binkley's tickets.

The Long Horn of the Law

Former Knox County Sheriff Joe Jenkins, who already served prison time on auto theft charges, was arrested last spring on charges that he stole five cows.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

Wilbert L. High Jr. of Portland pleaded guilty to forgery and theft of property worth more than $60,000 after he was accused of bilking his aunt, Thelma Wernicke, out of a large chunk of her savings. Wernicke had moved into a retirement home in 1995, and she gave her nephew power of attorney over her finances. Without her knowledge, High then proceeded to spend some $50,000 on limousine rides and trips to adult nightspots. He was ordered to pay the money back in monthly installments over 12 years.

Boners in the Workplace

Would You Want This Man Coming Down Your Chimney?

Last winter, four former employees sued Mad Hatter Air Duct and Chimney Service, a Madison chimney-sweep business, on grounds of prolonged sexual harassment by the company's former office manager, Marshall Adams. One plaintiff, Janet Buck, whose legs had both been amputated at the knee, alleged that Adams once "grabbed" her prosthetic legs and chased two women around the office, making sexually suggestive movements with one of her artificial limbs. The suit also claimed that Adams once mused "what it would be like to have sex with a woman without legs," and Buck added that Adams deliberately left the elevator off in the buildings on Saturdays so she'd have to climb two flights of stairs.

It Wasn't the Meat So Much as the Special Sauce

Former Wilson County commissioner George McGowen filed suit for racial discrimination against Lebanon Distributing Company, which fired him in 1997 after one month on the job. In his lawsuit, McGowen, who said he was the only African American out of 20 employees, claimed that one coworker "came up behind [him], physically put his hands on his shoulders and made motions of an obscene nature with his lower body." According to the suit, another worker said he took McGowen's lunch out of the breakroom, urinated in his tea, and rubbed the bread from his sandwich on part of his body.

Some Guys Just Can't Take a Joke

In the same suit, McGowen said his supervisor and coworkers were insensitive to his post-traumatic stress condition, which resulted from his service in Vietnam. According to the suit, McGowen said his supervisor would sneak up behind him to scare him by dropping large stacks of sheet metal on the floor.

And You'll Still Want to See Them Harpooned

To keep unauthorized costumers from dressing like Barney, the creators of the "lovable" purple dinosaur filed a trademark infringement suit against three small Middle Tennessee costume shops--a move that in some cases jeopardized their staying in business. The reason given for the suit, which was duplicated across the country, was the potential for cursing, drunken, "unkempt" adult Barneys who "might take advantage of a child's trust, by appearing as Barney and persuading the child to do something inappropriate." From now on, only specially trained professionals will be allowed to wear the official $20,000 costumes.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

In November, former Baptist Hospital president and CEO C. David Stringfield was unceremoniously ousted from his new post as Baptist's chairman of the board. The ouster, described by some Nashville health-care experts as long overdue, apparently resulted from a series of controversial business moves, ranging from enormously expensive sponsorship deals with the Tennessee Oilers and Nashville Predators to failed mergers with Vanderbilt University Medical School and St. Thomas Hospital--not to mention an ongoing Scene investigation into charges of bid-rigging and kickbacks involving Baptist construction executive Gerald Hemmer. Just a month before, Stringfield had moved into a customized executive office and luxury suite said to cost in the neighborhood of $350,000. What really raised eyebrows was that the office had two bathrooms. Now, why would one person need two bathrooms?

She Loves You, She Loves You Not

Henrietta Dixon, a secretary at the Consolidated Freightways trucking terminal, was arrested in March on charges that she stole more than $40,000 from the office flower fund. The fund, made up of commissions from office vending machines, was used for floral arrangements for funerals and families of sick drivers, as well as Christmas gifts for needy families.

In a Related Story, a Wall of Pancake Batter Threatens Woodbine

Sections of the Spence Road industrial area were evacuated earlier this year after fire threatened to ignite a silo filled with flammable cornstarch. Firefighters easily contained the blaze. "Once they put water on it," a spokeswoman told The Tennessean, "it went right out."

Honky-Tonk Boners

And for My Next Number, "You Lying Sack of Crap"

The Congressional Club, an organization composed of spouses of current and former members of Congress, issued a formal apology to Hillary Rodham Clinton for the song selections performed by country singer Lorrie Morgan at a luncheon honoring the First Lady earlier this year. According to Washingtonian magazine, eyebrows were raised when Morgan began her set "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man," "Will You Love Me Tomorrow," "Stand By Your Man," and "Good as I Was to You, Is This the Thanks I Get?"

Funny, Clicks Were Up!

Several country stars--including Terri Clark, Alan Jackson, Tim McGraw, and Shania Twain--were outraged to discover Web sites with their names had been purchased and registered by California businessman Jim E. Salmon, who then linked them to a Web site featuring pornographic pictures. By typing in www.timmcgraw.com, for example, Web surfers could end up at whitehouse.com, a site featuring nude "Interns of the Month" and doctored photos of Hillary Rodham Clinton in bondage gear.

How Do I Live Without "Brad About You"?

Angry calls were placed to The Tennessean after readers saw LeAnn Rimes eating lunch at Green Hills Grille the same day she canceled her Starwood show because of a respiratory infection. They called again when Rimes, after being comped several meals for a party of eight at Hard Rock Cafe, allegedly stiffed a waitress, which her publicist denied.

Capitol Nashville--We Hang Artists Out to Dry

Staffers arrived at the Capitol Nashville offices on Music Row last spring to find the building draped with a banner reading "Garth's Dry Cleaners." Label head Pat Quigley said the banner was a buddy's prank. The many Capitol artists who felt ignored in the wake of Garthmania didn't laugh.

Flash! Woman Doesn't Sue After Finding Lizard in Beans!

A Rogersville woman who opened a can of lima beans while preparing dinner was treated to the sight of a dead lizard staring at her with its one remaining eye. Debbie Walker said she didn't plan to sue the company that canned the beans.

Official Boners

Charity Begins...How's That Go?

Vice President Al Gore became the butt of jokes when his tax form showed he gave only $353 to charity in 1997. Joining the fray, columnists in New York and Washington started calling the vice president "Cheap Al" and the "Cheap Veep."

Yep, That's Why They Call Him "Old Hickory"

In a pleasant diversion from allegations of violating campaign finance regulations, Vice President Gore again became a laughingstock after making off-the-cuff remarks at a Washington, D.C., event about NBA superstar Michael Jordan's sixth championship. "I tell you," said sports aficionado Gore, "that Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?"

A Hearty Thank-You From the American Vibrator Lobby

In April, while considering a bill that would regulate sex-oriented businesses in communities that don't have their own ordinances, the state Senate agreed to take out the part of the bill forbidding such businesses to sell sex toys.

But It Did Prove the Masons Killed JFK for the Vatican

Last spring, long before he was accused of murdering state Sen. Tommy Burks--his Democratic rival in the November Senate elections--Putnam County Property Assessor Byron "Low Tax" Looper was charged with 14 counts of misusing his office, ranging from official misconduct to theft of county property and services. In his defense, Looper produced "irrefutable proof" that District Attorney General Bill Gibson was conspiring against him--a tape recording of two unidentified male voices. "I want you to set up Byron Looper," said one. "Whatta you mean? Like what I did in Crossville?" responded the other. Gibson, the alleged conspirator, called the tape "more of [Looper's] shenanigans."

Imagine--"Nuts" and "Looper" in the Same Paragraph

Looper's former girlfriend, Terry E. Guess, sued him for $1.3 million earlier this year, claiming that he got her pregnant, assaulted her, and used the power of his office to transfer ownership of her home to his name. In gentlemanly fashion, Looper called his ex-girlfriend "a former stripper" and added, "She left me with heart palpitations, a small box of memorabilia, and a red G-string. Now I know what comedian Jeff Foxworthy meant when he said sometimes relationships can be like buying a Boeing 747 for the peanuts."

Is There a "Lawdog" Slot at the Rutherford County Animal Shelter?

In one of the most bizarre races of an already peculiar election year, Lebanon businessman Dewey Lineberry--best known for a protracted scandal in which he videotaped his sex partners--tossed his hat into the ring against Wilson County Sheriff Terry Ashe, whose department is already being sued by Lineberry over the videotape fracas. Since Ashe, whose first name is Terrance, was listed on the ballot as "Terry," Lineberry demanded to be listed under his own nickname "Lawdog." "Most people don't know how to fight back," Lineberry said, "so here comes the Lawdog."

Stay Tuned for The Low Tax Looper Comedy Hour!

To bolster his campaign, Lineberry began distributing a self-published newspaper, The Lawdog Files, which claimed to document Sheriff Ashe's pattern of misdeeds and corruption in office. Local TV viewers were stunned, however, when Lineberry began appearing on InterMedia Channel 56 in an hour-long infomercial series. In one segment, surrounded by dancers, Lineberry appeared as "The Singing Lawdog," crooning a tune about Ashe to the tune of "Walking the Floor Over You." In others, he starred as "the Great Lawdini" and performed sketches with Ross Perot and Ronald Reagan impersonators.

"Are You SURE He Said 'Fork in the Road'?"

Kmart pulled talking Cookie Monster shirts from its racks after some parents complained that the beloved Sesame Street character was teaching their children bad language. Among the sayings Cookie Monster growled was "Time to truck," which, due to either faulty sound reproduction or slurred enunciation, did not sound exactly like "Time to truck"--if you get our drift.

Litigious Boners

Where Car and Driver Both Get Soaked

In court proceedings brought by Tennessee consumer protection officials against used-car dealer William O. Gainey and salesman Ray Harris, 10 customers testified that in 1993 Harris sold them vehicles damaged by Hurricane Andrew out of his home, based on classified ads he ran in The Tennessean and Wheels and Deals. The customers said they didn't learn until they signed the final paperwork that Harris was affiliated with Gainey's business, W&D Auto Sales. They also said they were never told the cars suffered flood damage. One buyer said he discovered his van's transmission was "full of sand and saltwater"; another said Harris told him a car's backseat was soggy because his wife had spilled some furniture polish.

And You Can Get One Just Like It at W&D Auto Sales!

Four teenagers "drove" a car built completely of cardboard down Second Avenue. The teens didn't build the car to make a statement, a passenger said, but "just to do it."

Your Funeral, My Trial

Frances Davis filed suit against Hibbett & Hailey Funeral Home in Donelson after an appalling mix-up involving the viewing of her late husband's remains. In her suit, Davis said she asked the funeral home to embalm her husband and dress him in his Navy uniform before sending his body to North Carolina for burial. When she arrived at the visitation, however, she discovered to her horror that an unknown man's body was lying in the casket in her husband's uniform. According to the lawsuit, when she informed Hibbett & Hailey employees the man wasn't her husband, they asked, "Are you sure?" Billy L. Davis' body was eventually located and placed in his uniform--in the same casket.

Roll Your Own Boners

Just Like the Tobacco Companies, Only With More Scruples

Confessed drug dealer Darrell McQuiddy told U.S. District Judge Thomas Higgins that he operated an ethical crack house. The 25-year-old drug millionaire informed the judge that his establishment refused to sell to minors or pregnant women, and was closed on Sundays to honor God.

Your Cash Ain't Nothin' but Trash

McQuiddy's mother, Shirley McQuiddy, and his girlfriend, Chikena Peebles, pleaded guilty to literally laundering cash for the drug millionaire. To pay for McQuiddy's defense, an associate dug up $100,000 in drug money that was buried in Shirley McQuiddy's backyard. Though wrapped in plastic, the cash had been exposed to the elements. Thus attempts to deposit the cash in a "defense fund" raised red flags at banks around town--especially since the sums of money either stank of mold and mildew, or left tellers' hands damp with fabric softener.

The Camera Wasn't Rolling, but the Cameraman Was

Robert Page Jr., a cameraman for Chattanooga station WDEF-TV, was charged last March with possession of marijuana and intent to distribute. Page was arrested after police discovered four bricks of pot worth approximately $100,000 in the front seat of his news car.

My Father the Narc

When Jeff Hensley came home to find two people smoking marijuana in his home, he called Murfreesboro police and had them arrested. The two people were his wife and 15-year-old son. Teresa Hensley was charged with simple possession and contributing to the delinquency of a minor; the Hensleys' son was released to his father after being taken to juvenile detention.

Dog Boners

If Only We Could Adapt This Technology to Nursing Homes

The Rutherford County Animal Shelter became the focus of international scandal over its controversial "drop-off" facility in Smyrna. At the climate-controlled facility, owners sick of their pets could drop them into one of three chutes labeled for large dogs, small dogs, and cats. However, reporters discovered that some people were dropping cats into the dog chutes, either intentionally or accidentally, and others were using the chutes to dispose of dead animals.

I Think I Saw This Plot on Dallas

Maryann and Rodney Smith of Lebanon were saddened to hear from a neighbor that the body of their black Labrador, Teddy, was in the street near their house, killed by a car. They brought the dog back and buried him in their backyard, only to be disturbed later that night by a mournful howling at the back door. When the Smiths opened the door, Teddy bounded in, quite alive and ready for supper. The Smiths never did figure out whose black Lab is buried in their yard.

Slip-Slidin' Away

Maids at the Howard Johnson on South Church Street in Murfreesboro were startled to discover that a lone male guest had checked out after smearing every surface in the room with Vaseline. The man, who stayed for two days, left behind 12 to 15 empty Vaseline jars and had put the petroleum jelly on the carpet, wallpaper, love seat, curtains, bedspreads, linens, towels, and wash cloths. Murfreesboro Police reported the damage at $1,375.

Boners in the Media

A Banner Year, Just Not for the Banner

The Nashville Banner, the city's 120-year-old afternoon daily, closed shop in February when publishers Irby Simpkins and Brownlee Currey Jr. sold the paper to the Gannett newspaper chain--the one buyer, as Scene media columnist Henry Walker pointed out, guaranteed not to keep the paper running. After the sale, Simpkins told a Nashville audience that he and Currey received only a "nominal" return on their initial $25 million investment with former partner John Jay Hooker in 1979. When the Banner's selling price was disclosed, however, it was a lump-sum payment of $65 million--which, after debts, allowed both Simpkins and Currey to walk away with $25 million each. Needless to say, Banner staffers were not so lucky.

Putting a Whole New Spin on "Mule Day"

In a libel judgment resulting from one of the more embarrassing blunders of the decade, the Gannett newspaper chain, publisher of the Gallatin News-Examiner, agreed to pay $800,000 to Garrett "Bubba" Dixon Jr. and $150,000 to former Gallatin High School soccer coach Rufus Lassiter. The suit was filed after a News-Examiner reporter--trying to amuse a buddy on the copy desk--inserted fictitious quotes attributed to Lassiter in a story about the Gallatin High soccer team. By accident, the quotes ended up published in the paper--including a made-up Lassiter remark that Dixon "sucks donkey dicks" and suffers from "sperm breath."

And Here, Do Some Copy Editing While You're at It

In April, after tornadoes leveled sections of East Nashville, frustrated Tennessean subscriber Tamara Jameson told the Scene she called the paper's editor, Frank Sutherland, at his Brentwood home to complain that the Saturday papers listing emergency telephone numbers hadn't been delivered to her neighborhood. A few hours later, Jameson said, she discovered someone had dumped 40 copies of the paper on her doorstep--along with a list of subscriber names and addresses. She distributed the papers herself.

The Blind Misleading the Bland

An item in the Tennessean's daily "Scoreboard" may have escaped below the sight of a copy editor. In a list of local golfers who scored holes in one, with names of witnesses provided for veracity, an item credited one Brad Farmer with acing a 196-yard shot at Pine Creek Golf Course. The witnesses listed Farmer's father and singers "Ron" Milsap and Ray Charles--both of whom are blind.

Welcome to the Nashville Scene Christmas Party

Most adult businesses target clients ranging from 18 to 45 years of age. However, thanks to a typo on the Scene's "Backboard," an ad promised "Safe Sex--Get Paid" for men ages "8-45."

Dial M for Mediocrity

When the free local sports tabloid Sports Nashville started publishing this year, the language on its advertising rate card looked familiar. It should have some of it was copied verbatim from the Scene's. What's more, the tabloid's distribution points were copied directly from another weekly, In Review--so much so they gave In Review's phone number as their own.

You Know, Like in Your Skull

WWTN-FM radio personality Corlis Berry, a.k.a. "Road Kill," was arrested for breaching airport security during an on-air stunt on Darrell Ankarlo's morning show. Broadcasting live from an open suitcase, Road Kill rode the baggage carousel at Nashville International Airport and disappeared through the plastic flaps into a restricted area. Security guards were waiting inside. Road Kill's last words to his audience before his broadcast ended "It's cold and dark out here."

Boner's Boners

And Now, a Word From Our Sponsor...

After losing to Bill Garrett in May's Register of Deeds race, Bill Boner issued a gracious congratulatory statement and added yet another career to a résumé that includes talk-show host, mayor, pallet manufacturer, and restaurateur He was spotted delivering the BellSouth Yellow Pages. Vive le Boner!

Test Your Boner I.Q.

Match the following quotes with the speaker below

A. "They want me to disappear."

B. "Frankly, it happened when I was running for governor."

C. "It sent her to Heaven quicker."

D. "Two in a row! We're on a roll!"

E. "You can do anything you damn well please. I'm just trying to figure this out so they won't say [WSMV meteorologist] James Lewis was there and I wasn't."

F. [Phone rings] "There they go. Blah, blah, blah, 'How come you're not on with your weather bulletin? He's on and you're not.' And they want the lottery numbers too. Watch this." [Answers phone] "News 2....Yes, it is....It is?"

G. "Radio's whipped my ass real good."

H. "It's a blessing somehow. I'm just not sure how."

I. "[I will] strive to reach the standard that the 'g' represents."

J. "When there's a decaying cat in the house and you can't smell it because of the rest of the house, that's pretty bad."

1. Coach Woody Widenhofer, expressing optimism--unfounded, as it turns out--after his hapless Vanderbilt Commodores football team managed to win two games in a row

2. Byron (Low Tax) Looper, Putnam County property assessor and now accused murderer, explaining his distrust of Cookeville politicians to a Comedy Central producer

3. Phil (High Tax) Bredesen, mayor, admitting why the infamous Metro Council term-limits measure passed on his watch

4. Country great George Jones, offering one of the reasons his oh-so-tradition-minded label, MCA Nashville, dropped him after seven years

5. Garth Brooks, after settling a dispute with rapper Warren G over which artist had the right to trademark the lower-case "g"

6. Metro Detective Jeff Porter, after finding 85-year-old Margaret Morrissey allegedly imprisoned by her daughter Marilyn in a West Meade home filled with cats and cat feces

7. WKRN-Channel 2 meteorologist Davis Nolan, early one morning after the April tornadoes, unaware that his microphone is on and his voice is going out over the airwaves

8. WKRN-Channel 2 meteorologist Davis Nolan, being notified that his microphone is on and his voice is going out over the airwaves

9. Don Finto, pastor of Belmont Church, giving The Tennessean a positive spin on Texas' execution of death-row inmate turned born-again Christian Karla Faye Tucker

10. Nashville resident Trish Poe, making the best of a mix-up that dumped 130,000 copies of a kids' environmental newsletter at her husband's office

ANSWERS: 1. D; 2. A; 3. B; 4. G; 5. I; 6. J; 7. E; 8. F; 9. C; 10. H.

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