By Cap'n O

DECEMBER 29, 1997:  Once again Americans, it is time to act. Kill lettuce and tomato plants, rutabagas and peas. Chop down orange trees and poison carrot fields. Set fire to oat and wheat fields. Wage a pitiless war against fruits, vegetables and grains.

Call your legislators and congressmen and urge them to pass laws banning this type of agriculture. File these lawsuits under the Endangered Species Act, because, through the insidious practice of farming, trillions of ants, snakes, snails, roaches, flies, fleas and other bugs have lost their homes and lives.

No other human practice is more responsible for insect habitat destruction than is the raising of vegetables, fruits and grains. How dare anyone rest while the lives and homes of stink bugs and aphids are being threatened. We kill these creatures and destroy their homes just so vegetarians and other humans can engage in the self-indulgent and decadent practice of eating.

If this sounds crazy and illogical, it is. But it's no different than what the antiranching crowd is trying to do to the ranching industry. Those smug hypocrites, the Forest Guardians and other environmentalists, have filed another federal court lawsuit seeking to severely reduce the number of cattle grazing on National Forest Service Land. They are arguing that cattle ruin stream banks and destroy the habitat of songbirds like the willow flycatcher. So in the name of this stupid, useless bird, they are trying to eliminate ranching in the Southwest.

There's a good chance they'll succeed because this nation is in the grips of an unprecedented reign of goofiness. Nowadays, bugs are believed to be more important than people. And there are plenty of federal judges (God bless their lifetime appointments) who see nothing wrong with destroying the livelihoods of thousands of humans for the sake of a few snakes.

The environmentalists' hidden agenda is to destroy ranching because they hate red meat and to close off the nation's public lands to everyone but themselves.

So fight back. Start by demanding an end to agriculture. It'll be difficult, true. We all have our favorite fruits and vegetables. Turnips and the gnarled, hairy horseradish root have a spell over me. But fight it. If wiping out all agriculture seems self-destructive and crazy, just go after lettuce and carrots. That's what most veggies eat.

If you need further convincing that agriculture is bad, consider this: Trillions of plants are killed every year--they're beheaded, yanked out of the ground while alive and ripped off the bodies of their parents--in order to help vegetarians feel superior to others. No other industry makes its profits through such a massive, wholesale slaughter of living creatures.

There are other things you can do to fight the environmentalists. One is to go to the nation's national forests and national parks and kill grizzly bears, wolves and other predators. Kill them because the environmentalists are trying to end ranching so they can reintroduce bears, wolves, jaguars and other predators into the wilds. Never mind that the reintroduction of predators is the most ass-backwards scheme ever hatched. Throughout history we humans have been trying to protect ourselves from natural predators such as bears, wolves, telephone solicitors and purveyors of religion. We don't need grizzly bears and wolves killing our livestock and eating our children. Killing predators is the most elemental, natural and instinctive level of human existence. It's called self-preservation. If cavemen came back they'd be embarrassed to have us as their descendants.

Finally, to really hurt the environmentalists, go to the national parks and shoot buffalo. Kill them dead. These hairy, lazy, brooding overcoats on legs eat as much or more grass than do cattle. But cattle are better for the land because they can be managed. They stay within fences, and so they won't go off and eat on land they're not supposed to. That's why we raise cattle. They can be controlled. Buffalo can't. They hate fences and knock them down and chew up everything in sight.

But when you go shoot buffalo, make sure your gun scope is properly aligned and that your gun shoots straight. Because when you're aiming for a buffalo, you wouldn't want to miss and hit an environmentalist. Would you?

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