Volume I, Issue 30
December 29 - January 5, 1998

Here's a contest: See if you can count the number of times the word "awesome" appears in this article about kayaking and whale-watching off of Canada's Vancouver Island. Send your entry to getalife@fakecontest.com. Winners will receive a minute's supply of online self-esteem. We'd love to award an actual kayaking/whale-watching trip, but the person who holds the pursestrings rolled his eyes and made a "Chhh!" sound when the proposal was pitched, so you'll just have to take the consolation prize.

Contest number two: Count the number of times the words "Bob" and "slack" appear in this article about weird Web sites such as the Church of the SubGenius page. Bonus points to all who attempt to count the appearance of those words on the actual site. Winners will receive a restored faith in their ability to count, as well as actual "slack" in the real world. Whatever that means.

Contest number three: Read this article about hateful Web sites, then travel to the "Bert is Evil!" page discussed therein. See if you can count the number of photographs that reveal Bert's conspicuous presence in the background of ugly historical events. Bonus points for every time you slap a Spice Girl on the Slap a Spice Girl site. Winners will receive a Shoot Me Up Elmo doll and two tickets guaranteeing the recipient's right to avoid attending the new Spice Girls motion picture.

Our challenge round takes us to this piece about respected photojournalist Charles Harbutt, who by his early 20s had already become one of the world's greatest cynics. The object of this contest is to count the number of reasons he supplies for feeling very cynical about his profession. There are quite a few, but thankfully Harbutt persisted in his quest for career meaning. Follow his example and don't give up on this contest -- after all, you do want to win a Solid Reason for Feeling Cynical About Contests, don't you? Okay then.